All in a Day's Work

Some thoughts on Christmas

2011-12-21T06:04:00.000-08:00

This is the first Christmas I can remember that I have not been stressed out and grouchy in these last few days of Advent. I think a number of things have contributed to that:

- I got the majority of my shopping done before Thanksgiving (and ordered most of it on Amazon).
- Almost all of the gifts are wrapped, thanks to the youth group girls at our church who offered free babysitting last Friday night!
- We are not traveling anywhere.
- The kid's Christmas programs are at the same place, at the same time.
- Matt has off on Thursday and Friday, yippee!
- We have been the most consistent in our Jesse Tree devotions this year, which has helped center my heart. I also think having most of my shopping done before Advent helped that too.
- I have miraculously been able to keep my house in order, in other words, I can see the majority of my kitchen island! This has helped me feel more peace with all the extra things going on.

This stress-free season has also allowed me to reflect on aspects about Christmas that I have not been able to process in the past. One of those things is gift-giving. Every year I enter the Christmas season with a sense of guilt- I LOVE buying gifts for my kids and my family. I love it. And I have felt, for many years, shame about that. I read blogs about families who don't buy each other gifts but instead buy a goat for a kid in Africa. Or I talk to friends who totally down play the presents and get their kids one present each, as to not spoil them. There are the Advent conspiracy videos and the guilt-ridden ads of starving children and commercialism. I read or hear these things and I cringe inside, not because they are wrong but because it makes me feel like I may be doing something wrong. So, every year I push through it and I act generously to my kids and my family and I try to justify to myself why I love giving gifts so much.

Then last weekend, as Matt and I wrapped the gifts for our kids, he remarked, "You sure are going for the 'wow factor' this year, aren't you?" He didn't say it in a condemning way, but just remarking on the abundance of gifts. And I replied to him, "Yes, yes I am." And I didn't feel guilty about it, I felt joy. Then I read this blog, posted on facebook by a friend, about gift-giving at Christmas and it explained so well how I have been feeling these past few years but have not been able to articulate it. In summary, God has "lavished" us with more grace than we know what to do with. He loves us more than we can ever imagine and we don't deserve any of it. He also tells us to love each other as he has loved us. Of course, he wasn't specifically talking about presents when he said that but can't giving gifts be a reflection of our love, an out-pouring of the abundance of grace we have been shown?

There also needs to be some intentional thinking about this physical manifestation of God's love. We don't buy our kids a lot of toys through out the year, unless they get a reward for something or use saved allowance money. Toys and stuff are not the mode of operation around here to get kids to behave or to feel happy. So, when once a year they come down stairs to a tree overflowing with gifts it is special and meaningful and not just something they feel they are entitled to. I also try to be very intentional in the gifts I give. I usually buy one thing that they specifically asked for and the other gifts are things that I think will help develop talents and hobbies or things that I think they would like to do (which is the fun part!). We discourage a lot of talk about what they want and don't have them make lists.
We do Advent devotions with the kids (they love the Jesse Tree!) and going to a Christian school helps focus them on the meaning of Christmas.

But, they are kids and they love getting new toys. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Of course, we don't create materialism in our kids, it's already there. There are ways we can feed it but there are ways that we can wisely use gifts to show our love to our kids. God is not stingy with his love for us, and so it brings us joy to be generous to the ones we love too. I understand that generosity looks different in every family and wisdom needs to be exercised to spend within your means but there does not need to be guilt in giving gifts to our family.

I also recognize there are issues I didn't address in this post: consumerism and the poor. That is a whole other post. But I have been reflecting on those things as well and there are ways to address those things and still be generous to our loved ones.

I pray you experience the great joy and peace that comes with the greatest gift we could ever receive. And I pray that in the overflow of His grace, you can give generously, whatever that means for you, this Christmas.
And that you can take joy in the smiles of the those who receive from you.

Blessings!

The Bookshelf

2011-12-07T06:22:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

It's been a busy fall- it began with my brother and father in law coming to build us built-in bookcases in the living room. I have wanted to fill the empty wall in that room since we moved in but it seemed so much more practical to fill it with bookcases and cabinets. I had boxes of books in the basement that I didn't have a place for and we needed some extra storage. My brother-in-law did a great job and I am so happy with the way they turned out! I had so much fun pulling all my books out of storage and organizing them- many brought back memories of college and our first few years of marriage.
Take a look at the finished project:

Because we have had books on the brain lately, I thought I would share some of our recent favorites:

The Circus Ship by Chris Van Dusen
It's a sweet rhyme about a true story of a circus ship that wrecks just off of an island in Maine. It takes place very close to where we vacation every summer so it had a familiar feel to it. The illustrations are amazing and fun and the rhyme is well done, not cheesy.

Pete the Cat: I Love My White Shoes by James Dean

This catchy little story is a great tool for reviewing colors but it is the rhythm of the words that will keep bringing you back. It comes with a link for a free download of the author reading it- we play it over and over for Silas. Karis has it memorized and can "read along" with us. Simple, clever, fun.

The American Girl Doll Books

I know that these are controversial for some (I am not sure why...historical accuracy?)but Karis and I are really enjoying them. I read a chapter to her before she goes to bed and I like that she is learning some history and how little girls lived in different times. We have covered several of the "girls" and have both learned a lot.

Magic Hoofbeats by Josepha Sherman

My horse obsessed little girl loves to listen to these stories as she goes to sleep. This book comes with a CD of the ancient stories from different countries being read.

Black Ships Before Troy: The Story of the Illiad by Rosemary Sutcliff

Matt is reading this one to Jesse before bed and it is a great retelling of the Illiad. The illustrations are incredible and the story is understandable (for the most part). This is one that we may need to purchase instead of continuing to renew it from the library!

What are your current favorite reads?

Diligently teaching

2011-10-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

I was reading the book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Bill Martin to Silas yesterday. If you are not familiar with the book, it reinforces color recognition by repeating phrases of animals that are a certain color. For example, it starts with a picture of a brown bear and the text says, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see? I see a red bird looking at me." The next page has a picture of a red bird and repeats the text, "Red Bird, Red Bird, what do you see?" And so on. All of my kids have loved this book, I must have read it a million times.
As I read the book to Silas, it occurred to me to that even though he does not know his colors yet, he still has me read the book over and over. He still knows the words even though he doesn't understand the connection to identifying colors because developmentally he is not quite there yet. But that doesn't mean I stop reading the book to him or that he can't know the words and say them along with me.
I began to relate this idea to the training of our children. Just because they are not developmentally old enough to understand and identify heart issues or biblical truths, does not mean I don't teach them or even talk about them.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 instructs parents in this regard:

4"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

When we remind ourselves of these truths and have them on our heart, we can't keep from sharing with our children the most important thing they need to know in life. This passage doesn't qualify an age when it is appropriate to teach these things, it just says to do it diligently (the NLT says to repeat them again and again) and then with time and maturity our children will grow into the words and they will hear them with new insight because they will be old enough to understand and can apply it.
But if we don't repeat these truths, we let other things take over the hearts of our children. Jeremiah 17:9 says that the heart is deceitful above all things and if we don't tend the hearts of our children with the truth of who they are and who God is we let other things grow there. Deceit sounds like a harsh word to associate with a child but that is why I think these verses in Deuteronomy were written! We need to combat deceit with the truth, all the time. Sally Clarkson writes about this beautifully in this post and says it much better than I can, but she adds that what we say and teach our children will mold them (and their brains!) and when they are older, they will not depart from it.
As I read Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? to Silas and hear him say the words along with me, I know that someday he will be able to read it with a new understanding. And I have faith that all my children will someday grow into the truths I have been diligently teaching.
And what I will see will be a colorful mosaic of God's grace in their lives.

Multitudes on Monday

2011-10-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

My heart was heavy during church yesterday- an unresolved issue that had developed over the weekend weighed on me and I wrestled with fears of loss and confusion. I thought that I might need to leave before the service even started, I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through in one piece. My sweet son was very concerned for his sad mama and was willing to go home with me if I needed to leave. But as we took our seats I hugged him and told him that we were probably in the best place to be when we are sad. It was hard, but I am glad I stayed. It seemed like every part of the service was meant to minister to my aching soul. The last song we sang especially spoke to me, in particular this verse:

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure! Come disaster, scorn and pain!

In thy service, pain is pleasure; With thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called thee Abba, Father! I have stayed my heart on thee.

Storms may howl and clouds may gather, All must work for good to me.

If my soul needed anything yesterday, it was to choke out those words.

Even more than the hard situation being resolved, I needed to "stay my heart" on him.

Even more than being understood, I needed to cry "Abba, Father!".

Even more than wishing I could go back and do things over, I needed to invite "disaster, scorn and pain!" (with an exclamation point!).

I needed to believe that "all must work for good to me" when really it just felt so painful.

So, on this day after Sunday, when I return to the rhythms of the week, I remember those words and the work God did in my heart.

And I continue to believe by giving thanks:

~ the body of Christ in all it's messy glory

~ the hope of the gospel that brings reconciliation

~ a husband who comforts and leads me to my Savior

~ tears: a sign that we love

~ gain in loss

~ a son who cares for me and his tender heart

~ a new church building

~ God building his church in our midst

~ snuggles with my niece

~ time with my sister

~ laughter with family

~ softened hearts and friendship restored

An honest look at grace

2011-10-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I wasn't a very good first time mom. I thought I was, which probably made it worst. I had major anger issues (now I just have anger issues) coupled with the fact that I thought authority meant breaking my child's will to conform to mine. It makes me cringe to write those words.
So, when my oldest son has trouble going to sleep at night, the old Mommy guilt creeps back.
Do you know what it says? Maybe it says the same to you?

"He is so anxious at bedtime because you traumatized him by yelling at him so much to stay in his bed when he was a toddler."
"You scared him one to many times by grabbing his little arms in frustration to hold him to the bed."
"That latch you put on his door to keep him in, probably not a good idea."

I could also list the excuses that come to mind:

"I felt like a single mom with a husband in residency, I needed him to sleep. I needed a break."
"He was so strong willed, he left me no choice."
"I didn't know any better. The parenting advice I was receiving was not a good match for my temper or my kid."

And do you know what? All of those things could be true. The accusations and the excuses. But neither of those things change the fact that I wish I could do it over. I wish I could wrap my oldest boy in my arms and go back in time and be a better mommy to him.
And it dawned on me today, while wrestling with my guilt after a long night of bedtime battles, I can.
I can go back and do it over.
Grace.
Grace says, "You don't deserve a second chance, you blew it big time, but here's is another chance to love. Here's another chance to love out of the grace that has been lavished on you. You know this grace-love, it brings tears to your eyes to think of your Heavenly Father looking down on you in love when what you really deserve is death."
So, when my boy walks out of school to my waiting car today, I can lavish him with smiles, all the smiles that I didn't give him when he needed them years ago.
I can move to him with a hug when I feel the most repulsed by his behavior.
I can move forward in hope knowing that he has a Savior that can heal all his wounds, whether they are caused by me or by the reality of sin.
I can continue to pray that God will change my heart of anger into a heart overflowing with grace-love.
I can have peace.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
Romans 15:13

Multitudes on Monday

2011-10-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

Back to counting gifts....because I need to.
I need to remind myself that God is good, all the time.

- Dunkin Pumpkin Coffee....love

- the cool Fall air

- a new building for our growing church

- a retreat for our women

- the sound of women singing to their Savior

- the study of Ruth and hard hesed love

- orange and red leaves

- pumpkin flavored everything

- picture texts of my niece, a beam of joy in the middle of the day

- quirky kids and the lessons they teach us

- mothers of quirky kids that advocate for their children and bring hope

- faithfulness that is new every morning

On the side lines

2011-10-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Well, we did something radical around here this Fall....

....we didn't sign Jesse up for a sport. No soccer, no baseball. Nothing.

Now, this is radical for several reasons:

1. In our suburban community/culture, it's what you do. Sign ups for sports begin months ahead of time, conveniently on a website that is customized for your family. The standard question is: "What sport is Johnny playing this Fall?" It unites the community, gives common ground.
2. We have always thought that Jesse needed to be involved in sports so that he would have an outlet for all his energy. He is also naturally athletic and we wanted him to be able to use his gifts. He has also always had a hard time "playing well with others" and we thought good old teamwork would help in that area.

There is nothing wrong with either of those radical reasons. In fact, in many ways they are good- being connected to the community, learning teamwork, exercises. But there are times when they can be not so good. When kids are put under pressure to perform or to even participate in activities that are too structured for their age. When families are torn apart most weekday nights because everyone is doing a different sport. When worship together on Sunday mornings is replaced with games and again, families split apart.

Every family needs to decide what is the best use of their time, I don't want to say that you are doing the wrong thing if your children are involved in sports- for many families and many kids, it is a good thing for everyone. But when I asked Jesse (in early summer because that is when you need to sign up!) what he wanted to play in the fall and he said, "Nothing", I was secretly glad. I could feel my whole body exhale and now I can see how different things have been because of that one word.

We have had Jesse involved in sports for the past four years and it has always been a struggle. It was hard for us to understand because he is naturally athletic and loves to run and play sports, but he just couldn't get the team work thing down and he didn't like playing by the rules. For the past few years, we assumed it was a maturity issue (and may still be) but we were still struggling to get him to pay attention, to participate, to get to practice without kicking and screaming.

It was also a strain on me- the stress of getting him to practice, at dinnertime with all three kids on my own. Not fun. I was stressed, he was stressed. Why were we doing it? We weren't training our 4, 5, 6, 7 year old to be a professional athlete, in fact, Matt didn't start playing soccer until junior high school and he ended up playing on our college's varsity team. Also, when Jesse started his ADHD medication, we saw that his need for physical release was not as strong and we are seeing that a lot of the teamwork/structure issues were present in other areas of life as well.

So, when he said he wanted to do "nothing" this Fall, it was a welcome change.

I also realized a key heart issue of my own. Our slowed down Fall has helped me see that the organized sports we had Jesse involved in was a distraction for me- something to do other than parent. Because, let's face it, it's a lot easier to drive kids around in a car than to really do the hard work of parenting, of reaching the heart, of training in righteousness. I was convicted that parenting is not about driving kids to one thing to the next but about serving them with our time in ways that mold and shape their hearts.
Lord, forgive me.

Our quiet Fall has allowed me to respond to conviction and to know my son better. It has allowed less stressful weeknights of spending time together and getting homework done without rush.

Maybe we should be radical more often!

News from the Nut Tree

2011-10-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

Hello!

Are you still there?

I have not given up on the ol blog. This summer I decided to take a break, for many reasons, but mainly because life was just plain crazy!

But now it is October and schedules are in place and I feel the sanity slowly returning....and so is the blog! Thanks for being patient!

So, how about an update?

~ Jesse is in second grade this year and he is doing terrific! We are pleased with the results we are seeing with his current medication for ADHD- I still think he brings home the wrong school work when I see how incredibly NEAT his handwriting is- amazing! He is bringing home great grades and reports- the only conference I have had with his teacher so far was one that I requested! We are still seeing some concerning behaviors that the medication has not helped (and may be making worse?), in particular the Asperberger type issues we were seeing before. We are on a waiting list to get him evaluated for those things but the waiting list is six months out. We are feeling ok about it though, that gives him some time to settle into school and for his teacher to observe certain patterns. We also feel like his medication is helping with the major/hard to handle issues so we are in a good space overall. I will try to blog more about the journey as we go along- something I have wrestled with as far as his privacy but I do want to discuss it with him and feel like sharing our story has such a great potential to help other parents, it is worth it.

~ Karis started kindergarten this year, at the same school Jesse is attending. I love that she has a small class and is with a lot of the same kids she went to preschool with. She is loving it and I can already see how she is maturing. I love having her home with me in the afternoons!

~ Silas is going to a Mom's Morning Out class on Tuesdays- from 9:30-1:30- yes, a nice long, break! He loves it too and is probably my only child that actually tells me all about what he did at school that day! He is also potty trained- it only took about a week and I still cannot believe how easy it was! He actually thinks it is fun, which tells you so much about his personality! It was a little sad to realize that he is not technically a baby anymore but man, I love the no diaper thing- it's been seven years!

~ I survived (and thoroughly loved) our church's first ever women's retreat this past weekend. I guess you could say I ran and delegated the retreat but I could not have done it without all the help from everyone that planned and prayed for the weekend. It was a sweet time of fellowship and learning from God's word. It was exhausting though and I think I will need the next week to recoup!

~ My favorite fall treat so far this season has been apple cider tea- seep a tea bag in hot cider instead of water- yum, yum! I especially like it with Chai tea but you could get so creative with it!

So, stay tuned!

I have a list of things I have wanted to be writing about!

And yes, the summer theme will be changing...one thing at a time!

Motherhood

2011-06-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my sister's living room right now while she rests up from her first few days of motherhood. Being here with her brings back memories of what those first days were like, it was hard! The exhaustion of the birth and then the recovery, the exhaustion of constant breastfeeding and not being able to sleep in fear your new baby will stop breathing. It's all the start of a long journey and I am trying to encourage her that it is all worth it.

Before I got here, I had started reading the book by Sally Clarkson, The Mission of Motherhood. I picked it up at a time when I realized that I needed to be more intentional about my parenting and wanted to think through how I will impact my children and the future generations of our family. I often struggle with living up to where I want to be as a mom and I think that in the past that has held me back from being the mom I could be. Sally really encouraged me with these words,

I do not, however, consider myself to be a perfect mother. My aspirations and what I can idealize oftentimes far exceed my ability to live up to them in reality. Yet it is in being able to visualize the dreams of my heart and beauty of God's design that I have found a standard of maturity to move toward.

This was just what I needed to hear in the endless days of good intentions and failed attempts. I didn't need to throw out my goals with my failures, I can use them as place to move toward.
Sally also writes about having a servant's heart for our children. That might seem like an obvious point but I find that it is easy for me to forget in the every day grind of life with fellow sinners (me being the worst!). I am realizing more and more that the times I am most frustrated with my kids are the times when I am being inconvenienced by them or when they are messing up my plans. Sally challenged me in this area when she writes,

Choosing to be a servant-mother means willingly giving up myself, my expectations, and my time to the task of mothering-and choosing to believe that doing so is the best use of my time at that moment. Making this choice ahead of time means that I will expect problems and needs to arise and be ready to deal with them in peace instead of impatience and resentment.

The last thing I want is for my kids to think that I resent them for taking up my time or messing up my plans. And yet, I know I do that more times than not.
Being here with my sister as she bravely faces the challenges of motherhood at the start of her journey, reminds me that my job is never over. It may have started with the early moments of physical sacrifice but it will continue through the adult years of my children's lives as well. I want to be a faithful servant, a repenting, God believing, faithful servant to my children.
I often think about what my kids will say about me at my funeral, will they rise up and call me blessed? Will they remember the time I spent with them and the gentle way I responded to their needs? Or will they remember the guilt I made them feel when they didn't do what I wanted them to do? Will they remember feeling like they were inconvenient or a "difficult" child or a blessing and a joy?
These questions have made me think of the legacy I want to carry on and leave for my kids some day.
Here aresome of the dreams of my heart:
- I want my kids to know that they are more important than a clean and organized house.
- I want my kids to know that they can come to me with anything and I will not make them feel like it is trivial.
- I want my kids to see me reading the Word, loving the Word, sharing the Word with them.
- I want them to see me pray, with and for them, for struggles and repentance.
- I want to repent to my kids when I am wrong, even when they are adults.
- I don't want my pride to get in the way of admitting when I was wrong and that that isn't a sign of failure but of faith.
- I want to walk into a child's room in the middle of the night and not ask impatiently what is wrong but gently address their needs.
- I want to prioritize my time so that I am not giving them what is leftover.
- I want them to see that I love my husband by putting him before myself.
- I want my kids to see me serving others, even if it is inconvenient for me.
- I want my kids to see me engaging in relationships that challenge and encourage me.
- I don't want to react with impatience when my kids spill something or get dirty.
- I want to remember that they are kids.
- When my kids are adults, I want them to expect that I will support them in their decisions, even if I don't agree with them.
- I want to remember that weddings and grandchildren are not about me and what I want but about my kids leaving my home to start their own.
- I want to always be able to be honest with my kids about where I screwed up and how God has changed me through it.
- I don't ever want to be done working on how I can grow and change and love others more, even if it means going to counseling until I die!
- I want to remember that God is working on changing the hearts of my children just as he changing mine.

As I open myself up to the change God is doing in my heart, I am beginning to have a greater understanding of what my mission of motherhood is.
I pray that God will give me the humility and the grace to live it out.

Happy Birthday Silas!

2011-06-11T05:17:00.000-07:00

My baby is two today!

What we love about Silas at age two:

He is almost always smiling or laughing

He is mischievous and curious

He loves to figure out how things work

He likes to put things back together

He repeats everything we say

He is very enthusiastic

He is very polite: "Nakin please!" (napkin)

He loves to cuddle and be held

He is just plain "nuts" at times

We are so thankful for our little guy!

Ten years of gifts

2011-06-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

This week, Thursday to be exact, Matt and I will celebrate our ten year anniversary. That sounds so grown up, so long. It doesn't feel that way! But when I look over the pictures from our wedding day, we look so young, and I think about what I know now, what we have lived through together, and I am glad that God has a good work planned!
We wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate, but our schedules wouldn't allow it. So, my mom graciously offered to watch the kids overnight on Saturday so we could have a whole day together. We planned a hike/walk and then dinner out at one of our favorite restaurants. We also wanted to be intentional in our time together and followed a model of a marriage summit weekend that friends of ours use every few months. It was so great! We talked through our crazy life and things that we need to change, areas we want to grow. We talked about our marriage and parenting and where we want our family to be in the next 5-10 years. It was just so great to TALK, we don't get to complete whole conversations very often with young kids demanding most our time. We were almost giddy and couldn't wait to get talkin!
We are hoping not to wait another ten years to do it again!

It was also a great time to reflect on God's goodness to us in the last ten years.
My list continues:

(038) a faithful, hard working husband

(039) a husband who is so patient with me and the changes that God is doing in my life

(040) the places we have been since we met

(041) our precious children and the joy they bring to our lives

(042) the opportunity to serve our church together

(043) hopes and dreams for the future

(044) the gentle tug of conviction

(045) waking up at 8:00 Sunday morning

(046) rest

(047) how ADHD has made us better parents

(048) rejoicing in progress

(049) finally seeing fruit from our labor

(050) a season of peace in our home

Summer Preview

2011-06-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

There is nothing that brings squeals of pure joy more than a swimming pool.

This big blue blob in my backyard (that cost less than a pool membership) is my salvation this summer.
No chasing a two year through crowds of people (who look way better in a bathing suit than I do!) or running back and forth between two different pools. No worries about naptimes or packing up towels, floaties and kids into the car. And it can go back into the garage at the end of the summer.
Best money we have ever spent.

Do you see the freckles on her little nose? A.DOR.A.BLE.

Pools and freckles: summer is on it's way!

Counting it all joy

2011-05-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about joy a lot in the past week. When I usually think of joy I think of a bubbling emotion that wells up from happiness.  I think of pleasure and delight. The Bible often mentions joy with the word gladness.  My daughter's middle name is Joy and she lives up to the definition I just described. Her bright blue eyes and white blond hair bring a smile to anyone's face; she is exuberant, kind, thoughtful; she is imaginative and can easily entertain herself for hours; she answers a request with, "OK Mommy" and is, for the most part, willing to obey.

But, the Bible also mentions joy in a way that seems a bit contradictory. James 1:2-5 says,
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

The way God created my children differently is a living example of the many facets of joy. There is a natural bubbling up of gladness but there is also the joy that you need to claim, you need to intentionally see in the midst of hardship. My first born brings me joy in many ways too: he is curious and inquisitive, he is enthusiastic about the things he loves, he loves learning, he is also head strong and defiant at times. He can also wear at my patience a little more than the other children. But, that doesn't mean that I love him any less or that he doesn't bring me as much joy as my other children. It just means it is something I need to live to experience. It is something that God gives me through perseverance and calling on Him. It is more of a perspective than a bubbling emotion.

The past few weeks have also been a hard lesson in joy. Jesse was having some side effects from the mediation we had started him on to treat his ADHD.  It was becoming emotionally overwhelming for me as well as for him. I also just struggled with the reality of our fallen world- sorrowful that we live in a world where brains don't work correctly and kids need medication to function optimally in life. I was sad that my boy had to go through this at all.
But as I sat in church yesterday, I realized that these trials are gifts, they are a chance for me to experience joy when it is hard, to muscle my faith, to believe that God will provide all I need.

I am so thankful to have a God who provides what we need- without reproach. I am thankful that nothing is wasted. All these years of painful instruction and correction will produce a complete work in me and my children. These trials that seem unbearable at times with produce rich fruit.

So, today I rejoice, with joy, in my children and in the ways they make my heart swell and hurt.  And in the God who gives only good gifts!

Joy counting:

(21) a new medication, no side effects

(22) my son back to himself, smiling as he gets off the bus

(23) this picture, the first time Jesse has colored a coloring page at a restaurant!

(24) sitting through a church service, actually taking notes, for the first time in a long time

(25) a doctor who is also a friend, prescribing and praying for our son

(26) my little girl's bright blue eyes and the excitement they hold

(27) celebrating her and everything pink!

(28) the testing of my faith

(29) conviction

(30) holding a cute, chubby baby during church

(31) a baptism and new members to our church family

(32) the joy of worshipping with the body

(33) watching Jesse help Daddy with a project

(34) the "I'm so sorry" after a broken window

(35) a weekend of family and friends and lots of food

(36) the ways in which I am growing and changing

(37) the hope that I am not finished yet!

Good Eats

2011-05-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

I meant to post these pics yesterday for Wordless Wednesday but I didn't get around to it.

I thought I would share my new favorite lunch:

My version of a Caprese Salad, yum!

And this I have been enjoying for an afternoon snack (almost like a dessert!):

Fresh blueberries and raspberries in Banilla yogurt

What are some of your recent good eats?

Come and sit a spell

2011-05-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

Want to join me? I am sitting at the kitchen table, finishing my coffee and toast, jumping up every few minutes to rescue something from demise at the hands of Silas. If you were sitting with me at my table, what would we talk about?
I would tell you about how all three children must have conspired together last night to make sure Matt and I didn't sleep. Now everyone is a big ol pile of grump.
But we are all (especially one little girl in particular) excited for the festivities this weekend to celebrate Karis turning five! We are having a Fancy Nancy party with the girls from her preschool class- we will be painting ceramic purse piggy banks, playing games, whacking a pinata that says, "Ooolala" on it, face painting and dressing up in fancy finery. My in laws are coming to town so I will have some extra hands on deck to help but I am also so glad they will get to celebrate with us!

I am so excited to have announced our summer reading for the Women's Ministry at church. We will be reading One Thousand Gifts and I can not wait to see how lives will be changed! I have been slack in keeping my list lately, and I can feel how it has effected the way I trust God and react to my circumstances. I am glad I will be immersing myself in Ann's words again to remind of His goodness.

And finally, this is one of our ADHD therapies that we find works very well:

Jump!

And he insists on putting one of Matt's Led Zeppelin records on while he does it. We are getting to the album quite well....

I hope you have a great Thursday! Thanks for stopping by!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Karis graduated from preschool today!

Hope

2011-05-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

A quick report:

Jesse had a much better day today! His teacher told me that he was fine at school- no emotional up and downs and he even wrote a full page in his journal this morning (usually he just write one or two sentences) and she said that his handwriting is improved as well! She remarked how he is the same old Jesse, just a bit toned down, which is how I would describe how he was at home this afternoon. It was actually one of the best afternoons we have had around here in awhile (and a little quieter). At one point he was writing on a poster he had brought home from school and Silas was trying to draw on it as well. Jesse's normal response would have been to push him out of the way and yell at him but instead he said, "Silas, could you not draw on my poster?" I couldn't believe my ears!
So, I am feeling a bit more peace today. He got a good night's sleep last night so I think that helped things. We are feeling our way through and finding what works, knowing we have a faithful guide leading us every step.
I am grateful for some glimpses of hope today.
Thanks for praying!

On the eve of a new week...

2011-05-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

Is it really Monday tomorrow? What a crazy packed weekend we have had!
It started on Friday when Matt got his wisdom teeth taken out. He did great. I will never forget the loopy look on his face when I went in to get him from the recovery room! The first question he asked was, "Do I look like a chipmunk?" and then a few minutes later, "Are the kids ok?" Then he closed his eyes and his whole body began to lean toward the floor. I think he might have ended up there if I didn't jump up and grab him. Then he looked up at me with these glazed over eyes and goofy grin. Poor guy. But then we came home, he slept for three hours and then was pretty much his old self running around gettin things done. That's my man!
Saturday morning I took Karis to ice skating- she is doing great, by the way! She has moved up to the second level now and gliding more than "marching". I am so proud of her! Then Matt took Jesse to baseball in the afternoon and then off to a play date. The rest of us went to my cousin's graduation from college party- I still remember babysitting him, crazy!
Today after church we visited with a missionary family that our church is going to support and hopefully, over the years, partner with in Sudan. It was great to hear about the things God is doing in that country and in their own lives. The rest of the afternoon was filled with Lego playing,. movie watching and Lincoln log homes.
Now it's quiet. I haven't written in awhile because I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately and I have not been sure how to write about it. And I didn't feel like writing about anything else. After meeting with the psychologist on Monday morning, we got an official diagnosis of ADHD (no shocker there!) and a recommendation for medication to help him. Matt and I had personally already arrived at that decision- we went back and forth about the pros and cons and what more we could do. We feel like we have run out of options and thought that it would at least be a good idea to try it- we have heard so many stories of kids who have thrived after starting meds and have felt such relief. Having Jesse tell me lately that he just couldn't help doing the things he does made me think that he might benefit from some help.
So, we took the plunge. And a plunge it was. My fears are overwhelming at times. I fear what people will think of me, putting my young child on drugs. There is a lot of mis information and stigma attached to medicating children for ADHD and with that comes judgement. That is one of the reasons it has taken me a whole week to write about it! I also fear the side effects. From what I have been told, from the psychologist, our doctor and my husband is that the most common side effects are insomnia and loss of appetite. Those seemed like manageable things to me.
We started him on Friday and sent him to school. When I talked to his teacher later that day she said that she saw huge improvements: he was more focused in class, for the first time all year he went right to his desk at the start of school and began his work without asking his teacher what he needed to do, he was more engaged with other students and he sat through an extra long chapel without fidgeting. I was shocked. Day one! But, it was a little scary to me too. She wasn't describing my kid. I was glad that we were getting those outcomes but I realized that I would need to get used to this new version of Jesse. I have loved and parented a child based on his particular characteristics and now I would need to get to know a new side of him. It was comforting to see that some things stayed the same- fighting with his sister, manipulating his sister, asking a million questions, light saber fighting (although for not as long and a little more toned down). I even came upstairs yesterday to see him playing with Lego's in his room by himself, something he never would have done before! It was this bittersweet type of feeling- glad that he was able to enjoy and do things that I know he was capable of and wanted to do but just wasn't able to. But, also realizing that we are changing some things about him- weird thought.
He has shown some side effects as well- loss of appetite and insomnia. But also some emotional lability- he cries at the drop of a hat, over silly things. Also, his anxiety seems heightened and he expressed to me tonight, before going to bed, that he felt sad. We aren't sure if these things will go away with time or if they will be the new normal. I don't thin that I can accept the last few things we are seeing as the new normal for my boy, so we will give it a few days and see if those things improve.
Wow, that was a lot! Sorry! But now you know how to pray for us- we really need it. I am pretty much an emotional mess and really just desire wisdom to know if we are doing the right thing- I don't have that peace yet. Matt keeps reminding me that none of these side effects are irreversible and will end as soon as we stop the meds, I know that but I can't help feeling guilty for making him go through it. Sigh.
Thanks for reading this, if you have lasted this long and thanks for praying- I will try to keep the ol blog updated!

Through new eyes

2011-05-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

I recently loaned the book Where the Sidewalk Ends from the library. You remember that one, don't you?
I loved it as a child and had most of the poems memorized. I couldn't wait to read it to Jesse and Karis.
As I read it to them, I found myself laughing out loud at the poems I thought were funny as a child and apparently, still do! They both enjoyed them but Karis seemed to enjoy them more. She also laughs out loud and is able to pick up some of the irony in the poems. I think she is my budding literary enthusiast (heart swell!). But as fun as it is to share this piece of my childhood with them, I am finding myself enjoying the poems in whole new way. I don't think I have picked the book up since I was a child and so it is interesting to read it through my "adult" lenses.
Here's one I never really noticed as a child but now I read it and can see the beauty and simplicity of it:

Poor Angus (By Shel Silverstein)

Oh what do you do, poor Angus,
When hunger makes you cry?
"I fix myself an omelet, sir,
Of fluffy clouds and sky."

Oh what do you do, poor Angus,
When the winds blow down the hills?
"I sew myself a warm cloak, sir,
Of hope and daffodils."

And who will you love, poor Angus,
When Catherine's gone from the moor?
"Ah, then, sir, then's the only time
I think I'm really poor."

What are your favorite Shel Silverstein poems? I would love to hear your memories!

Update

2011-04-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

I thought I might give an update on Jesse, for those who are following the situation!

I called the insurance company a few weeks ago, after being pre-approved for one hour of testing (out of the 15 hours that were requested). What we figured out was that the testing the psychologist that we were working with requested was a very specific and thorough test, probably a lot more than we needed. So, I got the names of a few other psychologists in network and thought I would try a different route. I called a name that came recommended and he picked up the phone right away. He told me that the testing he did was more of the standard testing and that start to finish would only cost $400, compared to the $3000 the other testing would cost. And he just so happened to have an opening, the next day. Jesse and I went for the initial visit and I am so glad that he was with me. I don't think that the psychologist needed to do any formal testing after sitting in an office with Jesse for an hour (ADHD in the flesh!) and after I read off my two page sheet of concerns. But we left with a bunch of questionnaires to fill out and for his teacher to fill out as well. I turned them into him yesterday and we meet again on Monday to discuss the results an his recommendations. Phew! I feel like we are in good hands and that things are moving forward (and it looks like insurance will pay for most, if not all of the testing).

Thanks you to everyone who has been praying for us. I am even more convinced of God's goodness and care for us through this whole ordeal, even when it seemed like doors were closing. I will keep the updates coming!

Wordless (almost) Wednesday

2011-04-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am not very good at being wordless, I must admit.
But there won't be too many today.
Life has been a whirlwind lately, one of the reasons being that Silas has been sick since Sunday. His only symptom is a fever, but he has definitely not been himself (and I have been getting my money's worth out of my Ergo). He has spurts throughout the day when he acts normal and then the fever will come on and he will go to sleep- last night he fell asleep sitting in his high chair during dinner!
As awful as it to watch, it has been nice getting some extra cuddles in!
Here are some pics from this evening during one of his "normal" periods.
He is such a cutie, enjoy!

"Yup!"

[translated: "up"]

He's done!

A change for Monday

2011-04-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to join Ann Voskamp on Mondays by giving thanks for His multitude of blessings. But, because I wanted to dedicate this space to my sister on Mondays (and I anally wanted to stick to the alliteration) I decided to share my thanks on Thursdays. Well, I have run out of Mommy Monday topics and feel like I need to shake things up a bit. So, I will now with all the other bloggers who give thanks on Mondays. I am excited to be a part of the community of grateful blessing counters!
And I am actually going to officially start counting!
Not sure what will appear on Thursday, stay tuned!

The counting continues....

(001) new faith blooming in dark soil

(002) His word, always faithful, always true

(003) His promise to know us and to protect us

(004) the promise of life forever with Him

(005) undeserved love

(006) birthday celebrations

(007) old friends, new friends

(008) having Matt around this weekend

(009) sneaking hugs with my beloved

(010) a package of new crocs, the hope of Spring!

(011) worshipping with our church family

(012) the taste of the Lord's Supper, lingering on the tongue

(013) the hope of the gospel, lingering in my heart

(014) a walk around the neighborhood with my little girl

(015) a pocket full of dandelions when we got home

(016) celebrating new love and old memories

(017) the sound of rain on the roof, falling asleep dry and warm

(018) kisses from my girl during church

(019) prayer answered

(020) a faithful God

The Week in Review

2011-04-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

Is it really Friday? Wow. Our days are so busy lately it's hard to keep track of what actually happened this week. Here are some of the things that transpired.

- Rain. We had a lot of rain this week. It was a good chance for me to get caught up on some housework and laundry. I am a struggling homemaker. I have yet to find a system that works for me, partly because of my personality and partly because we don't always do the same things everyday. Although I would love to be more organized and not live in a state of chaos most of the time, the truth of the matter is that it all gets done. At some point.

- Twice this week I got to sit over coffee with friends and chat. I love that. I am an extroverted person and need to have interaction with other people to feel sane, especially when we are stuck in the house because of rain. I am so grateful for those times.

- I am loving long phone conversations with my sister talking mommy things. This week she took the plunge and bought cloth diapers. I helped her pick which ones to get, how many, etc. We have always been close but it is exciting to be able to share this part of who I am with her. And I can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew!

- I got a call from the psychologist who has been working with us to get Jesse tested for ADHD. It looks like the insurance company is only going to pay $200 out of the $3000 testing costs. $200. After all that work we get $200. I am frustrated beyond belief, all that wasted time! But I am trying to remember that God's time is never wasted. We just need to figure out what to do next. I could try to go through the school district but it is getting to be the end of the year and I am not sure if we will be able to get it in and his problems are not academic related, which is why we went the private route. I did my research ahead of time and the insurance company told me that all the tests are covered. I know now never to trust an insurance company. So, for now we just keep trying to handle it on our own. Read more books, try new things. God has a plan and I know it is good.

- We are looking forward to a mini-reunion of some of Matt's college roommates tomorrow. They are coming here for food and fellowship and chasing kids. It will be a lot different than college days!

Hope you are looking forward to something fun this weekend! Take care.

Thankful Thursday

2011-04-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

It wasn't easy to cut my homeschooling dreams short and send Jesse to school this year.
But it was just as hard to see the toll it was taking on him and the rest of the family.
When I talked to several friends about which first grade teacher would be best for our "spirited" son, it was recommended that he have the older, seasoned teacher, who happened to also have a whistle.
Yes, I thought a whistle sounded like just what Jesse needed.
Several months before the school year started we received a letter that this seasoned teacher we had requested was going to retire and instead, a fresh, young, new teacher would be taking her place.
Knowing my son and also having the experience of being a first year teacher, I wondered if this would be the best situation for him. It wasn't that I thought the new teacher wouldn't do a good job, I just didn't want her to quit teaching after having Jesse in her class! I toyed with the idea of having him placed in the other first grade class with a teacher with a few more years under her belt.
But after talking about it, Matt and I decided we would let it go and trust that God would put Jesse with the teacher that was best for him.
Well, the year got off to a rocky start. He had a hard time adjusting to the more structured classroom setting and the social interactions that come with attending school. But, from the very beginning, his teacher very openly communicated to me what was going on and asked for my input as how to best help him.
She prayed with him before school.
She tried different discipline techniques.
She called me and emailed me.
She sympathized with him because she was a lot like he was as a child.
She made accommodations for him in the classroom without me even asking her to.
We have been able to laugh together about some of his quirks.
She has told me numerous times that she loves him.
And I believe her.
The decision to send Jesse to school was a hard one to make but sending him on the bus every morning knowing that he is going to a place where he is loved, where his heart is tended and cared for and where he is prayed for, sets my soul at ease.
I don't think I could have chosen a better situation. And it turns out, I didn't have to.
God has had his hand on Jesse's life from the very beginning, and this past year was no exception.
Today, as I had lunch at LCA and heard the principal speak about how our teachers make less than half of the salary of public school teachers, tears sprang to my eyes.
I know that Jesse's teacher has not only impacted Jesse's academic future but she has tilled the soil of his heart in preparing him to know and love God.
I can think of nothing that is worth more than that.

So, today I am thankful for Mrs. P and the work she does in her classroom everyday:

for the enthusiasm she brings to her students

for the time she spends preparing lessons

for the time she spends sending notes home to me and calling me with updates on Jesse

for her creativity

for her willingness to meet Jesse where he is

for her willingness to change strategy when necessary

for her empathy and understanding

for giving me her cell phone number (!)

for seeing her work as ministry and not just a job

for praying for my son

for making school a place where he likes to go

for loving him and wanting to see him grow

for looking out for his needs and meeting them

for seeing his potential

Mrs. P might not have all the salary of a typical teacher, but the work she is doing exceeds any monetary value. She is making a heart investment in my son and in the lives of the other students in her class.
And I am so thankful for this incredible gift.

Tuesday's Truth

2011-04-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

The truth of the matter is, if you want to get an insurance company to do something for you, throw the "lawyer" word around (whether you have one or not).
Since the end of January we have been awaiting approval of ADHD testing for Jesse and have not heard anything from the insurance company.
After a month I started calling every week. I got passed around, put on hold, promised it would be flagged a priority.
After another month I started calling every day.
And then they started asking for faxes of the form. After the psychologist faxed it about eight times, I took over. Five faxes later and they still claimed to have not received the form.
So, I bypassed the behavioral health department and went to the top.
I filed a complaint and told them I had a lawyer on stand by (it wasn't a complete lie, my brother in law is a real estate lawyer and was ready to write a nasty letter with his letterhead).
That was on Friday afternoon.
On Monday morning I got a call from some guy who sounded like he was in charge of a lot. Since then I keep getting calls from this one lady who is now handling the case. She called me twice today to tell me what the status is.
It sounds like things are finally moving forward. Hopefully.
But in the meantime, while I am battling the insurance company, I have also been fighting some personal battles.
I am finding it hard to talk about Jesse and our moving forward with testing for him, especially in Christian circles.
I have to be careful who I tell because several times now I have gotten that eyebrow raise, the one that says, "Really? ADHD? That kid just needs a good spank" or "Your son is just a sinner, ADHD is just excusing his behavior." I was also told this weekend that, "Everyone has a little ADHD/Asperbergers in them." Like I haven't agonized, prayed and waited over this next step? Like I don't KNOW my son? Like this is just something everyone struggles with?
And then there are the assumptions from other people that I just don't know how to parent, that I let my son give up too easy when I take him out of basketball when it was totally overstimulating him to the point where I didn't recognize him.
So, I am being more careful who I share details with. And I realize that as I write this I am sharing with A LOT of people who might cruise my blog.
But, it's not like me to not be real.
So I feel caught. And frustrated.
I am trying to keep my eyes on my perfect Savior, my complete righteousness, the one who knows me and my son better than anyone.
I am so grateful that I can hope in Him and not my parenting abilities or the opinions of others.
There is peace there.
It's hard, but there's peace.
And I am finding there is a lot to take joy in. As I walked down the hallway with Jesse last night at his school for Author's Night, we passed the other first grade class. Almost every student in the class smiled and said hi to Jesse as he walked by, they actually looked like they were excited to see him.
It brought joy to my heart to know that he has come so far this year.
So I see how faithful God as been, even when others have not been, even when I have doubted his goodness.
And I can look foward to the next part of the journey, to the joy waiting there.

Mommy Monday

2011-03-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

We have been consistently inconsistent about chores and allowance around here. We tried giving Jesse an allowance over a year ago but we quickly learned he was not old enough to handle money and saving and our house was filling up with cheap $1 toys. So, we stopped after a while. There are things that we expect the kids to do and we don't let them get away without doing them: taking their dishes to the sink after eating and feeding the dog. We have those down. But we are getting to the point where we know they are old enough to be doing more and also old enough to get some allowance. Jesse is also learning about money at school so we thought it would be a good time to start again. The question for us has always been how to make not make a do a job, get paid system. So, this is what we came up with for now:

Jesse and Karis each have a chart (that have been up on the wall for two years now!).

The top section includes responsibilities that come with being a part of the family and taking care of yourself: clearing the table, taking care of the pet, getting dressed and putting away toys. They will get a set amount of allowance every week for being a part of the family, we are sharing the family income with them. So, the expectation is that if they share in the family earnings, they also share in the family responsibilities. But, each individual chore is not "earned". The honor jobs are those things that go above and beyond the expected responsibilities (the meaning of honor). They will be paid extra for doing these things (for Jesse: making his bed and taking out the compost) if they do them at least five times a week.

The bottom section lists chores that are to be done on the weekend. There are also heart habits listed, things that we would like them to work on personally. For Jesse, it is showing respect and apologizing without being prompted. They will get a smiley every time we "catch" them doing these habits and when they have a certain combined total, they get to chose where we eat on the weekend.
We will make them tithe part of their earnings and they are not allowed to spend any of it until it is a certain amount (that way we eliminate the cheap toys).
So, here's our attempt to instill responsibility, intentional heart building and money management!
I will let you know how long it lasts!

How have you handled family responsibility and allowance in your family?

The Kitchen Sink Post

2011-03-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I have been totally distracted from my blog this week (and last). I have started thinking about pursuing a postpartum doula and/or some sort of lactation certification. The options are many and I am trying to sort through what I want to do and how I want to go about it. And of course, there is timing. So, I have been preoccupied but getting excited at the prospect of helping new mamas in the future! Stay tuned!
I have not forgotten the ol' blog, however! Here are the posts I missed:

Wordless Wednesday:

My "Helper"

Thankful Thursday

finally, new TV shows on Thursday night!

finding bootleg episodes of Friday Night Lights, season 5- it is SO good!

brand new life

celebrating lives lived

sharing the Lord's Supper with Jesse the past two weeks (even if he spills grape juice down the front of his pants...)

a book that reminds me to till the soil of my kid's hearts, preparing them for the gospel

dreaming of the future but resting assured

a sister's belly swelling, anticipating seeing her soon

the truth that God pursues me through relationship, He is so faithful

His loving kindness

sharing what I have been reading with Matt before bed

a good report from Jesse's teacher

Mommy Monday

2011-03-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

It's a rainy, dreary afternoon here. Jesse had off from school today. After a morning at McDonald's Playland, the older kids I played a few games of UNO. It is a lot of fun now that they are old enough to play games (real games, not Candyland). I love playing games, it is something that is an easy way for me to engage the kids. But play in general is hard for me. I have been convicted over the years about not getting down on the floor and playing with my kids enough. I often need to physically pull myself away from my agenda and engage them. Isn't funny how hard it is for us grownups to play? I would think we would jump at the chance to stop life and be a child again. I used to play house by the hours when I was a kid but not when Karis asks me to play house with her, I hesitate and I stall, I don't know quite what to do. Most of the time I can divert her attention- a tea party game, setting up her doll house, playing babies, these things are a lot easier for me. Some things I enjoy doing with Silas right now are sitting on the floor with him and pushing cars back and forth, setting up train tracks and pushing the trains around. With Jesse, I like to play chess (when the other kids are occupied), build Legos. I have learned over the years that it doens't have to be elaborate play, they really just want my attention.
I am trying to work at losing my inhibitions and my to do list and engage more. Sometimes I think it is just a matter of poor time management and mis-ordered priorities. I am trying to be better at both of these things, I am thankful that because of God's grace, it is never too late!

What are some ways you play with your kids?
What is hard about playing for you?

Tuesday's Truth

2011-03-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

The truth of the matter is....

- This day light's savings thing has got to stop. Seriously, whoever thought of this brilliant idea apparently didn't have children. I am pretty sure we could do away with it and everyone would be just fine. Sheesh.

- Buying a new car is an all consuming, practically part-time job...at least for us it is. I am happy to report that we have the brand spankin new car in the driveway and returned the ugly rental to it's rightful place tonight. Case closed. Almost. We need to go over to the insurance company tomorrow and sign some papers.  In another town.  At dinnertime. Then we will done. Finally.

- I really love my VW minivan, I really do. And I love the added perk that we get free maintenance for the first two years. The only problem is that the dealership has really slow, horrible service. I went in yesterday morning for a twenty minute fix up and left two hours later with a rental car and was late to get Karis at preschool. Thank God I had a friend who was able to pick her up but the plans for the rest of my day were ruined.

So, my week hasn't gotten off to a good start. I found myself thinking longingly back to last week and my diligence around the house. Now I am looking at a trashed house and I am feeling more behind than ever. But, the real truth of the matter is that in all of the above situations that started my week (with the exception of the day light's savings, there is no redemption there) I have a multitude of things to be thankful for.

- We have a new car.  A brand new, beautiful car that fits all three kids in the back and gets great gas mileage. We are blessed.

- We haven't paid for an oil change in two years.

- As I was stuck in the itty bitty kid's playroom at the dealership yesterday morning, I got to hang out with Silas and learn more about his funny personality. He did great. Over an hour in that tiny room with a ball, a few puzzles and a bucket. We had a blast.

- I have a wonderful friend who is like a sister to me, who I can call (almost!) anytime and she will help me out. I am blessed.

- Amidst the chaos and the messy house, I have two kids who are growing up before my eyes. Karis asked (begged) to get her ears pierced today (because all the girls in her class are- preschool, really?!). The thought both scares and awes me. When did she get so grown up? Jesse took communion for the first time on Sunday and it was such a blessing to share that with him. Tonight he asked to pray before dinner and it was a very thoughtful prayer that showed how much God is working in his heart.

I have been grumbling a lot today. Something that Ann Voskamp has been teaching me is that when I allow the bitterness and complaining to win out over gratitude, I am missing the gifts that God has already given me, that he continues to give all the time. So, now at the close of the day, I stop and look and see that He is indeed in every moment.  And I choose to be grateful.

Weekend Update

2011-03-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

I am still here! I needed to take some intentional time to get my house back in order, it has been neglected for way too long! Monday and Tuesday mornings I purposefully stayed home and cleaned out the bedrooms upstairs, organized and changed sheets. I wanted to make it a point to make the beds as many days as possible this week- I cannot tell you how much this helped me de-stress! I have also been diligently plowing through laundry. It feels good to have accomplished something tangible this week!

I also have so much to be thankful for this week; I don't want to miss the opportunity to record it!

This passage has been a refrain in my heart this week:

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his namesake."

Psalm 23: 1-3

We are in a period of waiting as we still have not heard back from our insurance company about Jesse's assessments. In that waiting, God has been revealing more things about Jesse that we definitely need to have checked out but I can also see how he is leading me by still waters. Yesterday, I had another opportunity to talk with the mother I talked to last week in the lunch room. Even though talking to her confirms for me more and more the issues we are facing with Jesse, it also gives me hope that I am not in this alone, that someone else gets my son. There has also been a presence of peace that pervades the anxiety that tends to creep up from time to time. Waiting is good for the soul in many ways. It helps me rely on my shepherd and makes me listen and watch for ways that he is always taking care of me.
For this time of waiting, I am thankful....

mothers who know

mothers who have been there

mothers who have paved the way

hope

a pastor willing to stay late and talk

a pastor/Shepherd willing to learn from mistakes

a car decision made

a church that values kids

communion talk with Jesse

that we get to share the Lord's supper with him for the first time on Sunday

hope from anger

the opportunity to walk the road of suffering with a friend

seeing our shepherd along the way

knowing that the road leads to Him

knowing the road brings him glory

blue eyes in my rear view mirror

the jibber jabber of little one, testing out his new vocabulary

good reports from a teacher

a teacher that prays for Jesse every morning during her devotions

the prayers of friends

still waters

the promise of broken souls restored

my own soul, restored

Thank you Jesus, my shepherd, brother and friend.

Mommy Monday

2011-03-07T17:04:00.000-08:00

Silas

My sister wrote a post recently about how she is grieving the things she will have to give up when her baby comes. She received some helpful comments and I know that she got a lot of encouragement from a friend of hers. Of course, everything she is feeling is completely normal. It is overwhelming to think about all the changes that will take place when your baby arrives. I suppose you are never really prepared for how much life changes and then after a while, you can't imagine your life any differently. In fact, when I read her post I had to try really hard to remember the things I missed before I had kids. The truth of the matter is that we had our first baby just two years after we were married, so we didn't really have much of a life to give up! For us it has always been looking forward to when the kids are older and all the things we will enjoy then. Either way, trying to enjoy the moments has they come will bring the greatest joy.

What are the things you miss about your pre-children life?

What have you learned through the changes?

Thankful Friday

2011-03-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was insane. Not a completely bad insane, just full and pulled in a lot of directions. In some ways it was good that my TV night ended up being reruns, it gave me the opportunity to have a good talk with my hubby. Something we both needed.

But another reason why I didn't write my Thankful Thursday post yesterday was because I couldn't. I was struggling to find the words, to find the thanks. As I have been learning so much about God's desire and plan for marriage in our women's bible study, I am also struck with how broken this area of life is for so many people. I am trying to help a friend through an incredibly hard situation. My heart aches. I hate all the pain and the hardship she is enduring, with no visible end in sight. I was feeling pretty hopeless after talking with her yesterday and was thinking that I didn't even know what to thank God for in this situation.

I have also been struggling with parenting Jesse (which I alluded to in my Monday post) and I feel like I am running out of wisdom and ways to relate to him. We are waiting on insurance approval (FOREVER!) to get him assessed for ADHD and I think I also want to explore some of the Asperger's type symptoms we see sometimes. I am at the point where I just need help and I think that getting some sort of diagnosis will help us get the resources we need- we have exhausted everything else.

Then today I went to Jesse's school, like I do every Friday, for lunchroom duty and I met one of my neighbors, who was also doing lunch duty. We got to talking and I asked her why her two sons didn't ride the bus to school (Jesse is the only one from our neighborhood on his bus) and she responded, "My older son has ADHD and Asperger's and it is just not the best situation for him." I had to hold back my amazement at the irony. God took care of me this afternoon. He sent this mother to me to encourage me, to give me great resources and to let me know that I am not alone. I left school feeling a little something like hopeful.

Despite my faithlessness, despite the brokenness and the heartache, I continue to give thanks because these are the places to see God and to know him.....

the opportunity to glorify God with my marriage

the prayers of friends

laughter and this quote from a friend, "There's not going to be a scale [in heaven], not if Jesus is involved." Amen.

a God who binds up the broken

a long talk with Matt

having him hold me close

comfort at the end of a hard day

a big bear hug from Jesse when he saw me at school

seeing him interact with his friends at lunch

a God of hope, who fills me with hope

the wisdom of those who have gone before

therapy groups that teach kids social skills (!)

God's tender care for me

his spirit in me, drawing out the thanks

time to myself this afternoon (thanks Bek!)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-02T05:37:00.000-08:00

Through Karis' eyes...

New every morning

2011-02-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

Ahhh. It's been a few days and my Mommy Monday post is a little on late side, my apologies. We are coming out of a trying week: kids getting over being sick, me getting sick over and over again and my sweet hubby got in a car accident on Friday (he is fine, the car is not). We are so grateful that he is ok but it has added a monkey wrench in our routine, mainly me taking on chauffeur duties and we are making car buying decisions that we aren't really ready to make right now. But, I have my hubby and I am sooo happy about that!

Today I was busy taking Jesse and Karis to the dentist for cleanings and also to have one of Jesse's baby teeth removed because his big tooth was growing in behind it. He was so excited to finally "lose" a tooth- he has not lost one yet and was starting to feel left out. Thanks to some laughing gas, he didn't really know what the dentist was doing in his mouth, he just had a tooth at the end and was very happy. He looks like such a big boy with that gap in his teeth!

After a long week and an even longer weekend with Matt working and me still not feeling well, I was really looking forward to going to bed last night. But as soon as I hit the pillow my mind started racing about the weekend and all the ways I had failed as a mom. I was having a hard time with Jesse's behavior most of the weekend. We think he may have ADHD and this weekend I definitely did not need a test to believe it! But, in my worn out, sick, selfish flesh, I did not respond the way I should have to his behavior. So, I lay in bed last night and let the guilt set in. And it didn't stop with Jesse either, my failures as Karis' mother flooded me as well. After an hour of tossing and turning and replaying events in my head, I surrendered to Jesus. I repented and I prayed. It was nothing profound or deep or long (in fact I may have fallen asleep half way through) but it was the only thing that was going to bring me peace.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't have time to process or ponder any state of peace. My day started and just took off. But I noticed later, after Jesse was home from the dentist, that he was really good today. He wasn't insanely wild, he listened to me and even did a puzzle while I cooked dinner. He come over at one point and hugged my legs and said, "I love you Mom." Grace hit me like a ton of bricks. I certainly did not deserve my son's love after I failed to love him over the weekend, but he did love me, simply because I am his mom. Isn't that just like God's mercy, undeserved, unmerited and free?

So, my Mommy Monday thought is that there will be times as mothers when we feel like we have screwed up, that we don't deserve this high calling of motherhood. There will be nights of guilt induced tossing and turning. But He promises that His mercies are new every morning. He doesn't leave us in the dark of night.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:23

Thankful Thursday

2011-02-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

Your word is a lamp to my feet

and a light to my path.

Psalm 119:105

My graitude continues...

the Word, perfect and true

a way through the darkness

God's plan

an afternoon of Simon and G-Funk

singing along, loudly and with abandon

memories in scratchy records

music

peace like a river

a little girl and her love for being outside

a husband growing in leadership

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

Tears and sanity

2011-02-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

Today's Mommy Monday topic is crying. It's something all babies do, some more than others. My first two babies were "colicky", which means they had periods of time during the day when they just screamed and it was hard to find a way to calm them down.
Through my experiences, I have learned that sometimes there are "tricks" that work but most of the time it is just a matter of learning how to cope with the crying when all your efforts have failed.

Here are some ideas for calming the colicky baby:
(These all depend on the personality and temperament of the baby)
1. Swaddle- It is soothing for some babies to be swaddled and bundled up tight. Other babies hate it.
2. Shushing- One thing we did with every one of our babies when they were having a hard time settling down was to cradle them in our arms and then hold them up so their ear was right at our mouth. Then we would make a shushing noise in their ear. It sounds harsh but it really isn't and it really works! Some say the sound mimics the sound they hear in the womb. A little bouncing and rocking while shushing add a finishing touch!
3. Wearing- Some babies just like to be close to you. That's where a baby carrier comes in handy, especially when there are things that need to be done around the house.
4. Pacifier- We love our NUKs (as we call them around here). Some people don't like using a crutch for their baby but we found them very helpful for all sorts of situations: car fussiness, self-soothing while falling asleep, boo-boo fixer, and just all kinds of fussiness. It may seem like your newborn doesn't like it and will keep spitting it out. Ignore that. Hold it in there until they realize that they do indeed like it.
5. Go outdoors (weather permitting!)- Jesse was our most colicky baby and most of the time the best way to soothe him was to take him outside. He would stop crying immediately and as soon as we went back inside, he started crying. Knowing his personality now, it is not surprising, he is a kid that thrives on stimulus and being social.

What if none of these things work? What if the baby just won't stop and you feel very close to throwing him or her across the room (yes, you may get to that point)?
Here are some suggestions for taking care of yourself:
1. If available, have someone else take over the soothing duties. Call a friend, a family member or if he is home, have you husband have a go at it. While they are taking over, go lay down or walk around the grocery store. It's ok to take a break from your baby.
2. If there is no one available to come give you a break, put the screaming baby in the crib for a few minutes while you go in another room and take a few (or more!) deep breaths. Pray. Relax. Then go back in and try again. A few minutes of a baby screaming in the crib is better than a mom pushed to the brink.
3. Have your husband take over duties when he comes home. I can't count the number of times Matt walked in the door and I literally handed the baby to him and went to my room. It is a season. It is ok. There will be plenty of years when he will be able to come home and relax before sharing in parenting duties. I even had Matt take over the 10:00pm feeding for a while so I could go to bed an hour earlier and have a bit of a break at the end of the day.

What about you, what are some tips you can share for soothing a crying baby and taking care of mama?

Tissues, coughs and ice skates

2011-02-19T17:16:00.000-08:00

We are sick. All day, in our house, there has been a chorus of coughing and nose blowing. Tissues litter the coffee table, the floor and every other available table top. It started with Jesse last week, moved onto me yesterday and Karis and Silas today. We are just waiting for Matt to fall prey. Needless to say, it has left plenty of time for snuggling under blankets and watching movies.

Even though Karis woke up this morning with a fever, she insisted on going to her first ice skating lesson. I tried to convince her to stay home but she really wanted to go. So, I pumped her full of Motrin and Tylenol, made sure she ate some breakfast and we headed out. When we got there we bundled her up and put on her rental skates, she was so excited. Her instructor had the kids practice falling and getting up out in the lobby and then had them march around on their ice skates. When they did get out on the ice, she had them practice falling and getting up for real.
The parents lined the side of the ice rink, peering through the glass to see how our kids would do. At first, all the kids were falling all over the place and it was super cute. But after a while it started getting really hard for me to watch. Karis would get herself back up, stand for a second or two and then fall down. Get back up, stand, fall. Over and over. As a mom it was just agonizing. I wanted to run out on the ice and hold her up. I hated to see her fall time and time again. She would search for my face on the side of the rink and I would give her a thumbs up and a big smile. I was so proud of her for sticking it out as long as she did, especially for being sick. This was probably not what she envisioned ice skating lessons to be like. I kept telling myself that this is good for her, to learn how to stick at something and to try your best, even though you fall, over and over. And as a mom, to learn how to let her do it.
With about ten minutes left in the lesson she looked up at her instructor and let the tears come. I could tell she was beyond her frustration level, and I didn't blame her. The instructor carried her over to the door and I was there to give her the biggest hug I could muster. I tried to hold back my own tears as I told her how proud I was of her, how she did such a good job of sticking with it. I held her on the side of the rink and we watched, together, through the glass as her class finished up the lesson. I realized, standing there with her that is just the beginning of the process of letting go, of letting her spread her wings, fail and learn. I just pray that I can give what she needs to keep trying. But I do know for certain that she has a faithful hand to hold her up no matter what.
So, we will see what next week brings. I hope she is willing to go again. There is a half hour practice time after the lesson and I think it would probably be a good thing for me to get on the ice myself and help her practice what she learns. The only problem: I don't stand very upright on ice skates myself.
Hmmm, there may be a lesson in this for everyone!

I hope you are enjoying your weekend!

Thankful Thursday

2011-02-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

My heart is filled with thankfulness

To Him who walks beside

Who floods my weaknesses with strength

And causes fears to fly

Whose every promise is enough

For every step I take

Sustaining me with arms of love

And crowning me with grace

Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

In gratitude, my list continues...

morning fellowship with women

respectful disagreements

unity of faith

60 degrees!

mud!

bikes speeding down the sidewalk

outdoor squeals of little ones

a hint of spring

a sweet little girl, sacrificing for her sick brother

TV night!

my comfy chair at the end of a long day

Random

2011-02-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

I know it's Wednesday, and it's supposed to be wordless, but I have random thoughts taking up space in my brain and I thought I would share them here.

See this boy?

He's home sick today. As we were driving to pick up his sister at preschool, we passed the garbage men in our neighborhood.
"Mommy?" he says from the back seat, "I want to be a garbage man when I grow up. Do they have to go to more school or college?"
"No they don't," I reply.
"Ok, then I want to be a garbage man so I don't have to go to college."
"But don't you want to go to college and learn a lot of cool stuff?" I ask.
"No, I will miss you too much."
Heart swell.
I will have to remind him of this conversation in ten years when he actually does leave me for college.
Sigh.

On another note, we are starting to thaw out here. The kiddos keep announcing that it is spring! I wish.

Hope you are enjoying your Wednesday!

Catch Up!

2011-02-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

I am here...finally getting out from underneath a crazy weekend.
On Saturday we hosted our 5th annual Souper Bowl party, a party where our friends bring a pot of soup and everyone votes on the best one. There is a trophy and prize and everyone has a great time. We had 8 soups this year and our friend Jeff took home the prize with his Crab Chowder....SO yum! I will post pictures as soon as I figure out how to load them onto our new laptop (another weekend project!). Sunday was recoop day and Monday was crazy with Valentine parties and dinner out with my awesome hubby. Phew.
Today I am enjoying a quiet afternoon of blog reading...way behind on that too!

While I'm thinking about it...any ideas for Mommy Monday topics? Things a new mom will need to know? Or, anything that would be helpful for mommies in general?

Thanks for reading and sticking with me!

Thankful Thursday

2011-02-10T16:23:00.000-08:00

Entering his gates with thanksgiving....

In light of this

a warm home

all of my children, safe and sound

the clothes on my back and overflowing my closet

In light of this: You keep Him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

the chaos of a house full of children

a shortened nap, reminding me where I REALLY find my peace

being able to help a friend

a late husband, reminding me where my sanity is REALLY found

a night of TV to look forward to

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

For Wednesday, someone else's words.
Enjoy.
Be blessed.

In Feast Or Fallow
Words and Lyrics by Sandra McCracken

When the fields are dry, and the winter is long
Blessed are the meek, the hungry, the poor
When my soul is downcast, and my voice has no song
For mercy, for comfort, I wait on the Lord

In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure.
Whatever comes, we shall endure

On a cross of wood, His blood was outpoured
He Rose from the ground, like a bird to the sky
Bringing peace to our violence, and crushing death?s door
Our Maker incarnate, our God who provides.

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
come, oh come, Emman- u- el
come, oh come, Emman- u- el

When the earth beneath me crumbles and quakes
Not a sparrow falls, nor a hair from my head
Without His hand to guide me, my shield and my strength
In joy or in sorrow, in life or in death

Repeat chorus

Tuesday's Truth

2011-02-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling through this morning.

My attempts to go to bed early to recover from a tiring, husband on-call weekend were thwarted by changing wet sheets, removing a little boy from our bed and returning him to his own and just plain old restlessness from a lot on my mind.
I woke up groggy, sleeping through my quiet time to a kitchen with last night's dishes piled all over the counters (my short cut to getting to bed early).
I was also fighting a gnawing resentment toward my husband for not doing the dishes for me last night, even though I didn't ask him, I just THOUGHT it might be a good idea.

This kind of a morning usually leads me down the road of guilt eventually. Guilt for not planning my day better and getting things done, guilt for being grouchy with the kids, guilt for resenting my husband for no reason.
It is an ancient battle, a familiar one.
As I was reading through my blog list at lunch, I remembered what I had heard Ann Voskamp say in her interview for the first chapter of her book on the Bloom site over the weekend. She talked about the battle of resentment and gratitude we fight daily. She pointed out that since the Fall, our default has always been resentment when things don't go the way we planned or thought they should go. I am doing battle today, this moment, to not default to resentment. But I am also fighting my way off the guilt trip as well. There is a guilt that leads to death and one that leads to life. I want to walk toward life. And come out on the other side, thanking Him.

Thank you for walking with me today!

The best thing you can do as a parent

2011-02-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

If you are just joining us for Mommy Monday, this is a series of notes to my little sister, who will become a mommy for the first time in June. Please feel free to add to the conversation!

Sis,

No doubt you will read a ton of parenting books over the next few years, from nurturing a newborn, to discipline to schooling. You will read a lot of helpful things, some not so helpful things, some things that work and others that don't. When it comes to parenting I feel like I have read almost every book out there and there are still quite a few in my Amazon cart. But one thing that I have learned recently is that the best thing you can do as a parent is not read more and more books but to model the gospel for your children.

In a lot of ways this is harder than reading a book. If you are consistently modeling the gospel for your children you are changing and that is hard. It's not fun to admit we are wrong, repent and live a life that shows joy and contentment. A life like that requires sacrifice and a lot of work.
But in a lot of other ways it is also freeing: we don't have to be perfect, have it all figured out and appear to have it all together. And neither do our kids. Modeling that freedom in the gospel for them, showing them that God changes needy sinners, is all they really need.

What does this modeling look like?
1- Fellowship. The best way to know the gospel is through fellowship, with God and with others.
It's hard as a new mom and eventually as a mom with young children, to find the time to fellowship with God. Quiet time is an oxymoron for the first few years of parenting, there aren't many! But you need to find them. It will probably not look like an early wake up time with intense bible study and an hour long, journaled prayer. I am just coming out of the potty quiet time phase. I kept a devotional on the back of my toilet that has short but meaty devotions that I could digest in 10 min, while I did my necessary business. It worked for awhile and it was fruitful. I read through Comforts from the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick a few times that way. Some seasons it may just be going to church on Sunday and being fed the Word or going to a women's biblestudy once a week, which is the other kind of fellowship you need. You need people in your life who will not only support you through this period of your life but you also need people who will consistently speak truth and point you to the gospel. Your kids need to see these times of fellowship in your life, they need know how important it is for you to spend time with God and with other people.

2- Correction. Not right away, but before you know it, you will need to correct your children and train them in the way they should go. These are often the most convicting times for me as a parent.
If I am encouraging my kids to say they are sorry, I think, "When was the last time I repented, to God, to my kids?"
If I am instructing my kids to be kind to each other, I think, "Have I been kind and gentle to them? To Matt? To others? Do they hear me slander others?"
If I am instructing them to serve one another and not grumble, I think, "When was the last time I served and did it cheerfully?"
If I am encouraging my kids to not be greedy, to be thankful for what they have, I ask myself, "Do I act content with what I have? Am I always shopping for the next best thing? Do my kids see me sacrifice?"
All these things are important instruction for our kids but we need to question whether we are modeling these same things for them.

3- Grace. How do I react when my kids sin? That has been the most convicting question I have asked myself as a parent. Do I treat them as Jesus treats me when I sin? What I believe about the gospel will be seen in the way I treat my kids when they sin. Bottom line. That is hard. But that is why I need to constantly go back and remind myself of His promises and His love for me. It is not dependant on my getting it right or even on my love for him. Our kids need to know that about us too. And this is where grace abounds! I don't get it right, I don't model the gospel for my kids as I should! But it should drive me back to the cross over and over and renew me. This can be overwhelming to think about, how our actions as parents affect our kids. But, the truth is that God ultimately is at work in their hearts and he can use circumstances in their lives and other people to show them the gospel when we can't. He uses broken people for his purposes all the time. He can use me and he can use you. Amazing, isn't it?

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:8-10

Readers,
What is the most creative use of fellowship with God you used when there wasn't much quiet time?

Freewrite Friday

2011-02-04T05:21:00.000-08:00

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'
Matthew 5:37

Little One is learning to talk. It seems like everyday he is saying more and more words. It is completely adorable but also very sad. Our baby is growing up, way too fast!

One of the words he has picked up quickly is "no" (I am sure it is because that is the word he hears most frequently around here). But he hasn't caught on to the yes thing yet. So, whenever you ask him a question the answer is always no. Another favorite word is "ceam" which translated means "ice cream", just take out the ice and the r.

I caught the combination of these two most frequently used words on video last night (please excuse the nasty mess of a freezer).
Enjoy!

Thankful Thursday

2011-02-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

"Behold I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.
For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
Genesis 28:15

Standing on His promises, I continue to give thanks...

a two hour delay, school back in session

a quiet start to the day, before the sun was up

a God of promise

a God who is present with me

a God who is consistent, faithful

little baby hands folded in prayer

heads bowed together

a little "amen" echoing the older ones

a husband who leads us to the Word

a promise to pass down from generation to generation

the work left in me

the promise to complete it

Snowday Take Two

2011-02-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday....a picture says a thousand words.

Snowday Sanctification

2011-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

I had great hopes for the morning as I went to bed last night.
I had crock pot oatmeal started, coffee maker on timer and my devotional book waiting on the kitchen table. I was going to wake up early, have a quiet time and get ready for the day, before the kids got up. I even had school clothes laid out for the two older ones.
I was in bed by 10:30, alarm set.
As it turns out, Matt's pager went off a bazillion times last night (note: please do not call your doctor in the middle of the night, or at 5:00am, unless you are dying, thanks).
Silas woke up at 3:30 and I ended up rocking him back to sleep and then the phone rang at 5:30, which only means one thing: school is cancelled.
I swear I could hear the proverbial scream of all mothers as the phone call went through the Lehigh Valley in the wee hours of the morning.
Jesse crawled into our bed a little after 6:00.
Game over.
I was tired; I was crabby; I was not expecting the day to start like this.
Instead of starting off in quiet and peace, chaos ruled.
It was only 10:30 when I texted a friend, "Just shoot me now."
She texted back, "I just keep chanting to myself: I am thankful. God has to be teaching me something. I can't believe this is a sick joke!"
Thanks. Ah yes, I needed that reminder.
How do I find the joy in a day not going how I planned? I would have such a better attitude if I would have been able to have that quiet time!
How do I hear God in the LOUD "Mamamamamamamamamama's" and fighting kids and barking dog (yes, even the dog is bored!) and "What am I supposed to do's"?
How do I see God here and now in the mess of a house that I can't seem to keep straight?
Thanks.
Gratitude reminds me that even when the circumstances don't change, my eyesight can.
I can see God through giving thanks.

So, I stop. And I sit. And I thank.

Baby Einstein (I could kiss Julie Clark, really)

"Mom, she's trying to kiss me again!"

These feet

This face

This little monkey

A friend to reach out to

A nap for the little one

My Jedi in training

Her ability to entertain herself

I'm sorry. I forgive you.

Cuddles

Doritos and Diet Coke

That He got me to 1:00

I am hoping that you are seeing God today, whatever your mess.

It doesn't matter if it's the right blog day, will you join me in giving thanks in the comments below?

It will change everything.

Mommy Monday

2011-01-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well, my sister and her husband visited us over the weekend and my sister and I had fun browsing Babies R Us and trying out car seats, strollers, etc. I hope it was helpful and not overwhelming! I had a lot of fun and it was great to spend time with her and her little "baby bump". She also helped me design my new blog template...cute, huh?

Today's Mommy Monday topic is books. It's always helpful to start out with a good collection of children's books and my sister would like to add a few to her registry.

My favorites are:
1. Any of the McCloskey books: Make Way for Ducklings, Blueberries for Sal, One Morning in Maine
2. Good Night Moon
3. Any Sandra Boynton: Barnyard Dance, Hippos Go Berserk
4. We're Going On a Bear Hunt
5. Any of the Usborne That's Not My.... books

What are your favorite children's and/or baby books?
We'd love to hear your suggestions!

Thankful Thursday

2011-01-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

"Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow."
Isaiah 1:18

Counting the ways he loves,

freshly fallen snow

snow playmates for Jesse

neighbors and their snow blowers

my husband's respect for the shovel

a peaceful home, for today

time to fold laundry

a baby boy talking, so much

a little boy helping his daddy shovel

warm oatmeal

sins forgiven

white as the snow

Tuesday's Truth

2011-01-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it just feels like you will never change, doesn't it? The same doubts, struggles with certain sins and just plain old selfishness plague us sometimes, right?

Well, today I had a moment of grace. A moment God showed me that he is indeed at work in my heart and changing me. I am so thankful for those moments!

I was busy getting the two little ones lunch today. Karis had a cup of water on the coffee table and I happen to look over just as Silas picked it up and spilled it all over the floor. My usual gut reaction to situations like this is to get exasperated and annoyed, sometimes (depending on my stress level) I have been known to raise my voice in frustration. But today, I heard a voice in my head say simply, "Don't cry over spilt milk." And I was calm. God blessed me with gentleness in that moment. I got a paper towel walked over to clean it up and I could see both little ones looking to me for the reaction. I smiled. Their faces lightened.
Grace.
Thank you, Jesus.

Mommy Monday

2011-01-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

Last week I shared my thoughts on schedule feeding versus demand feeding. I liked the comments we received, there are a lot of wise mamas out there! Two things stood out to me that I thought would be helpful to re-cap. One suggestion was to read books from both sides of the argument and find where you fall and feel the most comfortable. I think that is great advise. Another thought that came up was the idea of flexibility. I think that is important whether you decided to schedule feed or demand feed. You don't always have to feed you baby when they cry but you don't have to deny a baby that when all other options have been exhausted and it's not quite time, according to the schedule. Hopefully, dear sister, you will find what works best for you.

Today, I thought I would talk about sleep. It is the Holy Grail of parenting....that night you get to sleep from night til dawn without interruption. For some it takes a long time and for others, just a few months. There are many factors that determine when a baby will sleep through the night, I won't discuss them all here, but I will share what has worked best for me.

One factor that can sometimes get a baby to sleep through the night is the ability for them to self-soothe or to go to sleep on their own. As I mentioned in the last post, I started off using the Babywise method, which not only promotes a schedule for feeding but for sleep and wake times as well. I found this extremely frustrating. I could never get my baby to stay awake when he needed to and go to sleep when he should, etc. I also was not comfortable letting him cry for extended periods of time, which Babywise promotes as the method for getting a baby to sleep on their own. I will say that I did glean some helpful advise from the book. I tried a "flexible" eat, wake, sleep cycle with all my babies and found it worked well. I would feed baby, then change his/her diaper (to wake them up) and then try to interact with them as much as possible. When they seemed sleepy, I would rock them until they were almost asleep and then lay them down. If it didn't work, that was fine, I tried it again the next feeding cycle. It worked, most of the time. I didn't go by the clock but learned to read my baby's cues and gently guided them when needed. I also used pacifiers and blankies so they had something to soothe themselves to sleep. Eventually, I was able to lay baby down and they would gently put themselves to sleep. Every once in a while there is some crying but it was only for a few minutes. This helped my first two babies sleep through the night by two months but Silas it took nine months. I am not sure exactly what the difference was but I know that I didn't let Silas cry as much as the first two.

I will say, that letting a baby cry is a sure-fire way to get them to sleep through the night. If baby wakes during the night and they are old enough to go the whole night without eating (there is some debate about the age), then they should cry until they go back to sleep. It does work, I know it does, if you can stand it. I think I did this a little more with Jesse and Karis but they were always good sleepers. I remember when Silas was six months old and still waking at night, Matt would tell me, "If you just let him cry, he will sleep through the night." I knew this but I just couldn't do it. It was probably because I knew he was my last baby, I got that it goes so fast and I wanted to savor those quiet times of nursing in the middle of the night more than I wanted sleep. So, I dealt with it. Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong. Find what works best for you. (Notice a theme developing here!)

Some books about this subject: On Becoming Babywise, The No Cry Sleep Solution, and The Baby Whisperer. You could also research the Ferber method, which is a systematic way to let baby cry it out.

Readers: What helped your babies sleep? Lessons you learned about sleep (or lack thereof!)?

Thankful Thursday

2011-01-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

"...give thanks in all cirumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18

a good cry

a pastor who listens and encourages

women and their stories

lessons of leading

a night out to look forward to

Tuesday's Truth

2011-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

This is the trailer for the book I told you about on Thursday, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.

A glimpse into the beauty of the book and the challenge it poses to me daily (especially on long weekends with hubby working and kids off of school). Mercy.
Enjoy.

(The music on the video does make it a little cheesy but the book is not. I really enjoyed listening to the author read it.)

Mommy Monday

2011-01-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Last Monday we talked about how to feed your baby (bottle or breast). The second thing to consider in the area of feeding is whether you want to schedule feed or not. If you choose to bottle feed this is a no brainer, most bottle fed babies are easier to schedule feed because you know how much they are eating each feeding it is measured more scientifically.

There are two basic schools of thought in this area. One is based on the book Babywise, written by Gary Ezzo. In Babywise, the main premise is that parents should be dictating when a baby eats and sleeps in order to establish authority from the very beginning. The thought is that a baby is born needing direction and leading and it is the parents job to train the baby how to function outside the womb. There are parts of that that make sense. When I was pregnant with Jesse I liked this philosophy a lot because it gave me a plan of action where there was chaos. I was very fearful of the chaos and of the potential of having an unruly child. What ended up happening to me was that the schedule made me stressed and miserable. I was more concerned with how long Jesse was eating and when that I was not paying attention and learning to identify his needs. I think this had lasting effects on my relationship with him until this past year. I finally started listening to his cues and needs and he was 6 years old! I really wish I had not let fear drive me when he was a baby, I feel like I would have enjoyed him so much more.
But, that is just my experience. I know many, many people who have used the Babywise approach and have loved it. I have seen some great families use this approach and they have awesome kids. I will also say that I have yet to see an underweight, underfed baby from this approach. I have seen stress over schedules and babies not adhering to what the parents want but there is stress no matter what the approach. I think the key lesson I learned is that it is not for everyone but some people really like and need the structure. I will argue that I am not wholly convinced the babies need all the structure (albeit some is good) and that the approach is really for the parents. Some will argue that point and that is fine!
The other side of the coin (or the other extreme) is on demand feeding, which is feeding your baby when ever it cries (basically). I have heard some fear that on demand feeding will spoil a baby and get them used to getting whatever they want when they want it. I have learned, after three babies, you can't spoil a baby. One of the downsides, that I found to this approach, is that it is draining but some people don't mind being a slave to the feeding habits of a baby (and some will even claim you should be as a parent). The unpredictability can be hard as well.
I found that with baby number three I fell in the middle of these two approaches (I should think up a fancy name for it!). I didn't like feeding Silas every time he cried but I did feed him more often when he cried that I did with the other two. If I could do something else to soothe him I did (if he had just eaten within the hour). I didn't watch the clock as much but looked to my baby for cues of what he needed. I found he naturally fell into a 2-3 hour feeding schedule without me really trying so it worked for me. The bottom line: there is nothing inherently wrong with either side and I will venture to say that neither approach will effect the outcome of a baby's personality or their emotional well-being (although extreme Babywise babies might suffer some effects, I have not seen it, just a guess). Do what is most comfortable for you and your lifestyle and will stress you out the least.

I know some readers are chomping at the bit to disagree with me (this is a sensitive subject). Please feel free to kindly share your opinion but mainly share your experience. I think that my sister will benefit most from what you learned through experience.

Next week I will follow up the discussion of these two approaches in the areas of sleep and crying. Fun, fun!

Thankful Thursday

2011-01-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

Counting the blessings, finding the joy...

fellowship

watching the wisdom of a friend grow

a new mom and her cuddly baby

a faithful pastor

a house full of kids

a husband home early

listening to my boy read

the sacrifice of friends

grace upon grace

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-12T19:19:00.001-08:00

Tuesday's Truth

2011-01-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am reading a great book right now, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It is amazing, really. She writes as she is thinking, poetic, free flowing but in the midst of her stream of consciousness are some profound truths. The premise of the book gave birth to a project she started on her blog, a keeping track of thanks. I have begun doing this in my life over the past few weeks and I can feel it already beginning to change me. Here is an excerpt from the book, meditating on Luke 22:19- "And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...":

The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning "grace." Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks. But there is more, and I read it. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative,the Greek word chara, meaning "joy." Joy. Ah...yes. I might be needing me some of that. That might be what the quest for more is all about.
Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo-the table of thanksgiving. I sit there long...wondering...is it that simple? Is the height of my chara joy dependent on the depths of my eucharisteo thanks? So then as long as thanks is possible...I think this through. As long as thanks is possible, then joy is
always possible. Joy is always possible. Whenever, meaning-now; wherever,
meaning-here. The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some
emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the
messy, piercing ache now. I whisper it out loud, let the tongue feel these
sounds, the ear hear their truth. Charis. Grace. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving.
Chara. Joy. A triplet of stars, a constellation in the black. A threefold cord
that might hold a life? Offer a way up into the fullest life? Grace,
thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo. A Greek word...that might make meaning of
everything? (pages 21-22)
(this is me now...I can't figure out how to stop the blockquote!)
I have started keeping thanks journals all over, one downstairs, one in my bedroom, one in the diaper bag. I finding myself scribbling down thanks, in the tiniest of things:
a fever, broke
good
medical insurance
a mountain view
Star Wars theme music, streaming from a little boy's room
a house quiet, kids sleeping

and I can feel it shaping my heart, to see how God is good in all things. My heart is being prepared to give thanks in all things- even the hard, chaotic moments, I find myself turning to thanks. I am thankful for truth, heart-piercing truth. I also think it's cool that my little girl's name is Karis (Charis) Joy. Very cool indeed.

Mommy Monday

2011-01-10T06:13:00.000-08:00

Over the next few Mondays, I thought I would post some thoughts about some of the topics in which there are a lot of voices. These posts may ruffle some feathers but I am writing only about my own experiences and thoughts. I recognize that every mother has their own experiences and convictions, please share them so that my sister can learn from all of us!

One of the things that almost everyone has an opinion about is how and when to feed your baby. You will quickly see that some people are very passionate about this topic and will make claims that may make you feel guilty for not doing it the "right" way. One thing I have come to learn after three babies (and feeding in several different ways) is that it all comes down to what you are comfortable with and fits into your lifestyle and family. Because of the amount of information and things to consider in this area, I will extend this topic into next Monday's post.

The first thing you need to think through is whether or not you want to breastfeed. I wrote a blog post about breastfeeding before Silas was born (two years ago!) so I thought I would link it here so I don't repeat myself.
But I will reflect on the experience after a successful third try at breastfeeding. I was very intentional about the support I sought and although it was painful at first, it got better and I loved it! I found great satisfaction from doing what my body was made to do and enduring the hardship was very rewarding.

But I do know that for many women it just didn't work and I think that it is important to prepare yourself for that too. There are a lot of factors to consider- your emotional state of mind, whether baby is getting the hang of it, how much you want to work at it if it is difficult. But, in the end you are not any less of a mother if you don't do it. Another thing to remember is that just because your body is made to do something, doesn't mean it will always work that way. Our bodies are made to fight infection but sometimes medication is needed to aid in the process, thank God for modern medicine! The same is true for breastfeeding and pregnancy in general. Some women are medically not able to deliver babies naturally, just because they have a C-section doesn't mean that they are any less of a mother. If your baby is born too premature to be able to learn the sucking mechanism, thank God that he provided a way for your baby to be alive and able to eat at all! If it doesn't work like it should, there are other options that you can utilize, guilt free.

Thoughts from readers? What did you enjoy about breast or bottle feeding? What was your experience like and what lessons did you learn?

Thankful Thursday

2011-01-06T11:52:00.000-08:00

Continuing to give thanks...

- a little boy growing up, asking if he can help his grandparents carry in their luggage
- the servant beam on his face, carrying a bag too heavy for him
- living examples of grace that melt my cold heart
- the legacy of selfless servants to pass down to my children
- help with laundry!
- a new waffle iron (no more fights over the first waffle!)
- Wegmans, all by myself
- a tea party with a blue eyed girl and her Grandma

Mommy Monday

2011-01-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

A few Sunday mornings ago I was talking to a new mama at church. As we gazed at her sweet three week old baby boy, she confessed to me how hard it is. "No one told me how hard it would be! My sister's both had babies and they never mentioned how hard it is!" I told her she apparently didn't talk to me enough because she would definitely not be in the dark about the hardship of new mommy hood. But I remember being a little shocked at how hard it is when Jesse was born. I had always wanted to be a mom and now that I was, I wasn't sure I would be able to do it! The best piece of advice from our first week's post is to remember that it will be over, sooner than you think. But I think another realization has helped me get through the tough times as well: it is supposed to be hard. If it isn't hard, you don't change, you don't grow. Embracing the hardship and relying on Jesus has made this journey much more bearable, not easier but bearable and so much more rewarding.

Mommy hood is made up of mountaintop highs and valley lows, sometimes within the same day! The hard, painful labor is forgotten the second you see that baby for the first time, tears of pain instantly turn to tears of joy! Then a few hours later the cramps start and the bleeding and the sore nipples. But there is your little one so cute and wrinkly and cuddly, and he/she is making just the cutest faces ever! Then after weeks of no sleeping (and maybe still sore nipples) and wondering if this baby will ever make it in your care, a smile that lights up a tiny little face and melts away the fear. It is those mountaintop highs that often keep us going, give us joy that sustain but there are also great opportunities in the valleys as well, don't miss them!

There is Puritan Prayer called the Valley of Vision that says:

"Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision."

I think it is natural to flee from hardship- from the messages of our culture that emphasize comfort and convenience to our flesh that longs to be served and placed in the center of the universe. No wonder this prayer describes the way to see Christ as a paradox! This journey will be filled with wonder and pure joy but you will be most changed by the hardships, by the stretching of yourself and the never ending giving without receiving, the frustrating sin of your children and the heart breaking sin exposed in yourself. It is those moments you see your need of Jesus and where you can begin to grow.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 1:1-5

You already have a sure foundation to face the hardships ahead, you have Jesus and his promises to you: justification, access to grace, peace and hope. You just need to believe them!
Don't flee those moments of hardship and inconvenience on this journey, encounter Jesus over and over and he will change you into the mommy he intended you to be and He will get all the praise! I can't wait to see it!

Readers, what was the hardest thing you faced as a new mom and how did God meet you there and change you?

Thankful Thursday

2010-12-30T05:28:00.000-08:00

Thankful for...

- a friend who buys my groceries for me when I am sick and preparing for house guests
- family who travels 7 hours to see us
- cousins who love each other and the squeals of little girls playing

I will be back on Mommy Monday. I had to take a break from blogging to recover from the holidays, take care of sick kids and prepare for house guests. See you soon!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-22T13:13:00.001-08:00

Mommy Monday

2010-12-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

Just joining us? Read my first Mommy Monday post to catch up on what is going on!

In a few months my sister will begin the process of registering for baby gear. If you have seen the options lately, it is overwhelming! Obviously, most of it is completely unnecessary, for example, I never understood the whole wipe warmer thing- why get a baby attached to warm wipes when you can't take it everywhere you go? But, there are some who couldn't live without the wipe warmer, it's all a matter of opinion. That's why we ask the readers:

What are the only three (or less) non-essential things you need to survive babyhood?
(Examples of essentials: boobs, bottles, diapers, sleep, grace, more grace)

My picks:
1. Ergo carrier- really, I think that might be the only non-essential thing you need
2. Swaddle blankets, especially the ones with velcro
3. Pack and play- great for having downstairs for diaper changes and sleeping babies, saves the trips up and down the stairs

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-15T09:54:00.001-08:00

Getting things done...

Mommy Monday

2010-12-13T06:21:00.000-08:00

It's finally unleashed, the moment you have all been waiting for, my mysterious Monday post.

The cat is finally out of the bag: my little sister is going to have a baby!

I needed to wait until she announced it to the world before I could mention it here because Mommy Monday is all for her. I am excited beyond belief that I will have a new niece or nephew (I have a feeling it will be niece!) but I am even more excited that my sister and I can walk this journey of motherhood together. So, when I found out weeks ago that she was expecting I thought of this idea: compile all the things I have learned (so far) as a mommy and write it all down for her, a handbook of sorts. I never intended that she follow it to a "T", in fact, I hope she doesn't, I hope that she develops her own Mommy notes as she goes along and learns from her own experiences. But then I thought that it would be even better to have my blog readers add their notes and experiences because parenting is not a one size fits all endeavor. Over the years I have come to appreciate the stories and insight from other moms, even the ones I didn't agree with one hundred percent.
I started off parenting with my first child reading one book and living by it. It turns out that that one method of parenting/baby raising made me miserable and I wish I could take back those days and enjoy them more. As my confidence as a mommy grew, so did my openness to new ideas and my application of that has led to the best baby experience I have had yet- it only took three kids to get there! The key I have found? Wisdom.

Proverbs 1:1-7 says this about wisdom:

These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel.
Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
to help them understand the insights of the wise.
Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
to help them do what is right, just, and fair.
These proverbs will give insight to the simple,
knowledge and discernment to the young.

Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.
Let those with understanding receive guidance
by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,
the words of the wise and their riddles.

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

My dear sister, as you embark on this journey you will hear many voices. When it comes to babies and parenting, everyone has an opinion. Why? I think it is partly because everyone wants to get it right and if their way isn't the right way, they are doing something wrong. And that is scary, very scary. At least this is how I felt for the longest time. But as I grew as a mom and a women in general, I found that wisdom plays a huge role in mothering. Knowing how to discern the voices, listen to other moms who have experience, be willing to add to what we have already learned. Being able to be told we are wrong, excepting it and making changes. And knowing when we have been told we are wrong and graciously knowing that we are right. These are all the tools you need to navigate the opinions you will hear. The other thing to remember is that God has made you to have an instinct for your child that is uniquely yours. Learning to hear it and listen to it is also part of the journey and will help you discern sound advice from just noise.

Now a note to readers, who we would love to hear from! Remember, this is first and foremost a gift from one sister to another. Let's season our thoughts, experiences and opinions with grace and humility and in a way that won't hurt someone else who may have another opinion. Basically, I want to hear your experience as it has grown you as a mother. If you want to give me an ear full about something I have wrote (or someone else has written), write me an email- I would love feedback!

First topic of discussion:

What was the one thing you know now after having children that you wish you knew before your first child was born?

or

What are some topics you think we should include on Mommy Mondays?

Tuesday's Truth

2010-12-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

Feeling sluggish and tired.
Not sure if it is the season of busyness and extra activities filling the calendar squares.
But I don't feel much like writing, but I know it will help to reach out, to remind myself of the point of the busyness.
Yesterday in our Jesse Tree devotions we looked at the story of Jacob's dream of the ladder to heaven. Ann Voskamp, the writer of the devotion book we have been using writes this reflection on the bible story:

"And God, He whispers to us this best gift of all: 'I am with you and will protect you wherever you go...I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.'
God is with us in this season of coming and going and God is with us in these places, though we knew it not, at our tables and in our cars and down our street and in the unlikeliest, unexpected places, even in the manger of a barn and we meet God in a thousand places. Who knows it?"

A good reminder, in my weariness, to look for him everywhere, even in the busyness, especially in that God-forsaken line at Walmart, because He promises to be there.

Freewrite Friday- Our Jesse Tree

2010-12-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse,
and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit.

Isaiah 11:1

This advent season our family will be doing the Jesse Tree devotions each day in December until Christmas morning. Each daily devotion goes through the Bible chronologically, highlighting major events that lead to Christ's birth, starting with creation and ending with Christ's birth. Each day has a corresponding ornament that can be put on the tree.
I purchased the devotional a few years ago but the kids were too young and I couldn't keep it together. Not only that, the ornaments needed to be cut out and colored and that was just way too crafty for me (I know, pathetic). So, this year I was so on the ball and prepared way ahead of time. I found this homeschooling family that makes these beautiful felt ornaments to go along with the devotional and I was sold. We are three days in and the kids love it. Jesse loves that he has a tree bearing his name. I love that we are focusing on how everything in the Word points to Jesus. It is our hope that our kids will recognize the name of Jesus whispered throughout this Christmas season and in every other day throughout the year.

Here is a sampling of our tree and the amazing ornaments:

Day One- Creation

Day Two- Sin enters the World

Day Three Noah's Ark

A sampling of future ornaments

Wordless Wednesday (kinda)

2010-12-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

They are not my words so they count and I didn't do Tuesday's Truth so here's a combo for you....

I was listening to this over lunch today and it ministered to my soul so much. And I'm not even depressed!
The truth that we can worship God in our weariness and doubts is so freeing and hopeful, it brought me to tears.
I hope it is encouraging to you as well, whatever the state of your soul today.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

? Monday

2010-11-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

I have an idea for my Monday posts but I have to keep it under lock and key until I am allowed to share a secret.

Stay tuned...

Follow up

2010-11-20T19:27:00.000-08:00

To follow up a conversation from my previous post:

As I was going over materials to teach Sunday School in the morning, I came across this quote in the lesson from Exodus 32-34 about the Israelites making the golden calf and how Moses begged God to have mercy on them. This is what the material says,
"Even though the Israelites had broken their promise to serve God and worship him alone, God did not forget his promise to be their God. He saved them and kept his promise to love them, lead them and care for their needs, though he also punished them for their sin."
(Great Commission Publications SS2211d)

I thought that summed up in much better words then I could muster some clarification on the sheep pen comment from my previous post. Great truth, huh?

Freewrite Friday- Green Dot Righteousness

2010-11-19T05:56:00.000-08:00

There is a calendar in Jesse's school folder that comes home everyday. On each day is a green, yellow or red dot that communicates to us how Jesse's behavior was that day. It is based on the classroom sheep pen where each child has a sheep with their name on it. The sheep is moved out of the pen when they disobey. A green dot means that he did a good job obeying the following the rules (his sheep stayed in the pen), yellow means that he strayed out of the sheep pen a bit and red means that he choose to stray into the danger zone, outside of God's protection and blessing. The yellow or red dot is also accompanied by a note from the teacher explaining what had happened. At first, we really liked this system, it gave us a good idea of how Jesse was doing in school and what we needed to address at home. But after a few red dots started coming home, I started having a lot of anxiety about how Jesse would do each day, what dot he would come home with. I developed some green dot righteousness. My first interactions with Jesse when he got home were based on what color dot he had gotten that day. I am sure he sensed my stress over it and when I realized what I was doing, I backed off a bit and disciplined myself to not open the folder until after I had talked to Jesse about his day and welcomed him home.

But it wasn't long before I realized that Jesse had developed his own green dot righteousness. My first clue was at the end of September, he told me that he was going to get all green dots in October. "But I am a little scared," he said, "I might get a red." I told him that he might get a red because we are not perfect, but with the help of the Holy Spirit he could get green dots. So, we made a point to pray with him before school specifically calling on the Holy Spirit to help him obey and to be kind to others. The beginning of October was filled with green dots but the last two weeks just went down hill and he started coming home with more red dots. I could tell he was getting more and more discouraged.
Then one morning a few weeks ago I overheard him talking to Karis and he said, "Do you know how to get God to love you? Just obey Him all the time." My heart sank. I quickly called him over and explained to him that God loves him even when he sins, that nothing can make God stop loving him, that when we repent he takes our sin and completely gets rid of it. Then I thought of the dots and the record of his failure that he sees every time he looks at the calendar. I then explained that when we sin, when we get red dots, if we repent, Jesus takes His green dot and places it over our red dot and we can't see it anymore, we just see Jesus' green. His face lit up and I think in that moment he got it.

But I really struggled over the next few weeks with the fact that my son so desperately needs to hear the gospel but unsure how to model it for him when I have a hard time believing it myself most of the time (Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!), when I so quickly fall into the pattern of obeying for God's approval (I want to earn those green dots!)?
This morning I read in my devotions about how our obedience comes from loving God, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments" (John 14:15). We don't get a child to obey us by demanding it from them or by guilting them into it. They obey us because they love us and ultimately love God. But where does this love come from? "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). I realized in that moment, the way to obedience for me and my son is to rest in God's love for us, to soak it up to and to be reminded of it constantly. And when I am reminding my son of how much His heavenly father loves him, I am telling myself the same thing, I am resting in Jesus' perfect green dot.

Thankful Thursday

2010-11-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for

the company of friends,

words that bring encouragment,

the presence of Christ through His people,

the reality that I am never alone.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

To continue my daily themed blog posts, Wednesday will include a picture, with little or no words, that captures a moment in our life. (I got the idea from Occupation: Mommy, thanks Amy!)

They say a picture says a thousand words, right?

Tuesday's Truth- A Wise Woman

2010-11-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

I am going to attempt something new here at the ol' blog. In an attempt to help me write more consistently, I am giving a theme to each day of the week. On Tuesdays, I hope to share a truth that God has been teaching me lately. Here's one for today!

In our Women's Biblestudy we have been studying Proverbs. What a blessing this book of the Bible is! I have learned so much not only about God (how cool is it that our Creator would communicate to us through poetry!) but also about how to live our lives day to day. We have also seen how Jesus shines through the pages of Proverbs, such a blessing!

This week we are studying what Proverbs says about the family, specifically, marriage. It has been very convicting in many ways. But one verse stood out to me:

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." (14:1)

One of the things that I have appreciated about Proverbs is it's use of imagery and how helpful that is to convey the meaning of a verse. This image of building a house or tearing it down has made me ask the following questions:

~In what ways am I a wise woman?
Do I listen to the Word with understanding?
Do I accept a rebuke graciously?
Do I receive instruction humbly?
Am I slow to speak?
Do I overlook offenses?
Do I speak words of encouragement at the right time?
Am I discerning?
Do I fear the Lord above all else?

~In what ways am I a foolish woman?
Do I gossip and slander others?
Do I use harsh words, and thus, stir up wrath?
Do I rush to judgment?
Do I act as if I know everything?
Am I unteachable?
Am I proud?
Do I trust in myself and my own thoughts?
Do I share my opinion without knowledge of the situation?
Am I deceived about myself?

When I ask those questions in light of the image of building a home, it is quite convicting! I want to model wisdom for my children, I want to be a crown for my husband, not a cancer in his bones. I walk a fine line most of the time between being wise and being a fool. But this Proverb helps me to see that that fine line can be dangerous- I certainly don't want to tear down my home with my own hands! But there are times it seems like I can do nothing else.

And then there is this truth: "God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin." 1 Corinthians 1:30

How freeing it is that I am not a wise woman based on how hard I try to get it right but on Jesus, who is wisdom! When I received Christ, I received wisdom and freedom from sin.
Praise God, that's a foundation worth building on!

Update

2010-11-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those who prayed for our meeting yesterday with Jesse's teacher and principal. The meeting overall went very well- I left feeling that Jesse is in good hands and very much cared for. I also left encouraged that we as parents are doing what we should be doing for Jesse and that his behavior at school is not a reflection of our parenting but rather a spirited boy who has some growing up to do.
The main concerns brought up at the meeting are his pattern of lying to avoid getting into trouble and some aggressive behaviors that, if not dealt with now, could lead to some bullying characteristics in the future. So, the plan is to continue to tell Jesse that lying will not help him, we will always find out the truth and more importantly, to encourage him that it is good when his lie is found out because that means that God can do his work to change his heart.
I bought a book last night that contains activities to do with your child to teach them how to make friends, have empathy and learn social cues and boundaries- all things that Jesse is a little slow to pick up on. And the most important part of the plan is to to continue to pray for his heart to change, to have more empathy and to want to please and obey God. We have seen a lot of changes in the past few months so I know that God is doing His good work. I have every hope that He will complete it!

Perfect Peace

2010-11-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

Oh, how I love this verse, this promise. It is written next to my kitchen sink so that I can remember to reorient my thoughts to the Lord amidst the chaos. Today, the chaos is in my mind. I am fighting against giving into self-pity, self-doubt, self-deprecation.

I got a call from the principal at Jesse's school this morning. I guess in some ways I have been waiting for this call. Every time I see LCA pop up on my phone my heart races. She wants to meet with me and his teacher tomorrow to discuss some behavior issues Jesse has been having in the classroom. After a rough start, things were improving, until last week there were two instances I thought might push things over the edge. And so, two weeks before parent/teacher conferences, we are meeting with the principal.

Jesse is in great hands at LCA. I know his teacher cares for Jesse, she has actually expressed her LOVE for him. I know that the school in general is geared to change heart issues, not just behavior and that they want to participate in the transformation of Jesse's character. I have full confidence in the care they have for my son. It is my own thoughts that haunt me today:

What have I done wrong?

Am I not disciplining enough?

Am I disciplining too much?

Was he not held enough as a baby?

I thought we were doing what we were supposed to do!

What more can I do?

And yet, there is a part of me that gravitates to the truth: "You keep him in perfect peace..." Thank you Lord, for your spirit that doesn't leave us with our doubts but draws us to you. I don't know what will happen in this meeting tomorrow and I don't know what it will mean for Jesse. But I do know that I can (and will!) have perfect peace if I rest on him, who is our peace.

Summer Wind Down

2010-08-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to notice signs of the encroaching fall. The fruit and veggies at the farmer's market are starting to change: acorn squash and apples popping up amongst the sweet corn and peaches. Activities are starting up again after the rest of summer. But the biggest fall event on the horizon is school starting. Jesse will be starting 1st grade at a local christian school in two weeks! I am very excited, for Jesse but for me as well. Jesse needs the structure and routine of school and the constant interaction with people; I need to have a break from constant interaction with Jesse (as do the other two kids) and some time to do some new things. I am very excited to be able to devote more time to the Women's Ministry this year. We are going to be studying Proverbs in the fall and I have been having a great time preparing, I think it is my new favorite book of the Bible! I have also been convicted about my impact on the environment lately. The first step I am taking is to eliminate as much trash as possible. We've been cloth diapering since Silas was a wee one but lately I have been making the switch to cloth napkins, buying certain foods in bulk to eliminate packaging waste and making some of my own food. I got myself an awesome new bread maker to make our own bread and I am going to try to make some cereals and snacks for the kids as well. Needless to say, with Jesse in school I will have more time to do these things and they are things that Karis can do alongside me.
As much as I am excited, I have some anxiety as well. I will miss Jesse, as much as he sucks the life out of me, he is great to have around too. I had a thought this morning of Jesse at the bus stop, waiting for the bus with his uniform on and backpack on his back. I had a pit in my stomach that moved it's way up to my throat. I get teary thinking of him navigating the halls, making friends and eating his lunch without me. What if kids tease him or he is confused about what he is learning? I know this is all normal, I am trying to allow myself these feelings and praying that I will entrust Jesse fully to the Lord.
And there are practical concerns as well, like what to make him for lunch! I am thinking healthy, fun with minimal waste....eek! Any suggestions would be appreciated!

What are you looking forward to this fall?

Dinner Tonight

2010-08-17T13:50:00.000-07:00

My second recipe post in a week...I am feeling very domestic right now...I even have homemade bread baking as I write!

Inspired by our trip to the farmer's market on Sunday, tonight's dinner boasts fresh, local zucchini, eggs and basil from our garden. The perfect summer dinner.

Zucchini Pie

3 cups of grated zucchini (I added some yellow squash as well)

1 small onion, chopped

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 cup grated provolone cheese (I used reduced fat, Italian blend)

3 eggs, beaten

1/4 cup canola oil

4 tbl. grated Parmesan

2 tsp. chopped fresh basil

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. kosher salt

1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 350.

Combine all the ingredients in a large bowl, reserving 1 tbl. of the parmesan.

Spoon the mixture into a 10-inch round glass pie plate or metal pie pan that has been coated with veggie spray.

Bake for 45-50 mins or until golden brown.

Sprinkle with reserved parmesan.

Cool 10-15 mins before slicing

Banana Bread

2010-08-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Karis has really been into helping me in the kitchen. Whenever I am baking something or cooking up dinner she is right by my side asking to help. I love this! I am actually doing a lot more baking lately, just so we can do it together! With the past few days feeling more like fall than summer and a few too ripe bananas on the counter, I thought banana bread would be perfect for today's baking project.
I wasn't sure how she would do on this one because she hates bananas, the smell can actually make her gag. We avoided that by letting Jesse do the mashing.

Here's my favorite recipe, that I have perfected over time, found in a Mennonite cookbook we got for our wedding.

Banana Bread

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1 cup (or less) brown sugar
2 eggs
2 large bananas, mashed
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup unbleached white flour
1 cup whole wheat flour

(I started using whole wheat white flour by King Arthur, it isn't as heavy tasting as straight whole wheat)
1/2 cup of yogurt or buttermilk

(I usually use plain yogurt but didn't have any today. Instead, I used my new fav BaNilla yogurt by Stonyfield Farms. I thought I couldn't go wrong with banana yogurt in banana bread!)
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup of nuts or chocolate chips (optional)

1. Cream together butter, sugar and eggs. Stir in mashed bananas.
2. Mix all dry ingredients and add to banana mixture, alternating with yogurt. Add vanilla. Fold in optional nuts or chocolate chips. Put in greased loaf pan.
3. Bake at 350 for 50 mins or until tester comes out clean.

Back to reality

2010-08-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our annual pilgrimage to Maine. This was by far the best vacation with the kids yet, even though they woke up at 5:00 or 6:00 every morning (sometimes 4:00, Silas). We had our own place this year, which made it nice to not have to worry about waking any one up or having the kids get on any one's nerves. We spent a lot of time together as a family, which was much needed.

Here are the highlights:

1. Food- We have our favorite joints we hit up every year: The Owl's Head General Store, in the town where we stay- the best chicken salad sandwich and burgers (voted best in Maine by the Food Network!). The Brass Compass in Rockland- best Haddock Melt (also winner of Throw Down with Bobby Flay for Lobster Club, also delish). Cod End- Fish and Chips and beer, on a dock in the harbor. Dorman's Ice Cream- yum! And Cappy's Chowder House- yummy clam chowder (the place we ate the night Matt proposed, my sis watched the kids so we could have a date!).

2. The view- The place we have rented the last two years has a tremendous view, everywhere you turn in the house you see the ocean. You can hear it through the windows at night.

3. Watching my kids fall in love with the ocean.

4. A glass of wine (or two) every day at 4:00.

5. Reading two books.

6. Shopping with my mom and sister in cute little shops and finding the perfect coffee table in an antique store.

7. Watching the kids play for hours on the beach (and even braving the COLD Maine water).

8. New cozy sweat shirts for the kids.

9. Games at night...after the kids are in bed.

10. Being together.

Camping?

2010-06-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

I really like the idea of camping: campfire, campfire food, being in nature, roughing it for a few days. I just don't like tents. The last few times I have been camping in a tent it has rained and I swore I would never do it again...and I haven't. But, when my in-laws got this great big camper I thought, "I could do THIS." I figured I would have the best of both worlds: the campfire, food, nature and a bathroom, running water and A/C. We tried it out the past few days and it was great! Matt slept in a tent with Jesse, Karis, Grandpa, Uncle Jason and Christianna while my mother-in-law, Silas and I took residence in the camper. I loved it. It was especially nice when a few thunderstorms rolled through yesterday afternoon. Because we had to do an RV park, it wasn't as woodsy where we pitched our tent (and parked the camper)- my only complaint. The kids did great in the tent and had a blast. I definitely see more family camping trips in the future and maybe a nice pop-up....

Jesse Boy

2010-06-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

The spring is birthday season in our home. We begin, in April, with Jesse's birthday, followed by Karis in May. Silas wraps things up in June. I had every intention to write something about each child when their birthday approached, but it didn't happen. So, now that we are finished with the birthday season, I thought I would reflect back. Better late than never, right?

Jesse. If there was ever a child that produced sanctification in a parent, it would be Jesse. I am just now beginning to understand and appreciate the spirited personality of our first born (and he plays that role to a tee!). Here are some things I love about Jesse:

He is a leader:

Always rounding up the nearest kids and organizing some sort of activity-

I am seeing camp counselor, CEO, pastor in his future!

He loves to be with people:

Asking every five minutes (no exaggeration!) if he can have a friend over-

One reason homeschooling did not work out for us!

He loves nature and science:

Exploring, investigating, asking questions-

He loves to know how and why things work!

He is intense:

He does everything full throttle (and has a hard time "turning off")-

enthusiastic, exhausting, inspiring.

He is creative:

Always creating- legos, pictures, books, games-

It is not unusual to find the kids who are over to play marching around in costume!

He is observant:

He can spot a bird, plane, train from a mile a way-

and he stops to enjoy it (and tries to get others to enjoy it with him!).

It has been a tough year for our boy (and us) as we have tried to learn the best way to love and care for him and his unique personality. But I think we are getting there. He is such a great kid and I am so grateful for him. I am excited to see how God will use him in the years to come!

What I love...

2010-06-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

Today marks nine years married to the greatest guy ever. And I do not exaggerate. He is awesome. We have never been the mushy, sentimental type but that is okay, we don't need it. What Matt has given me has been a steady, grace-filled love from the very beginning. And God knew that is just what I would need. He is simple, I am not. He knows how to calm me down and lift me up. He has a matter-of-fact wisdom and clarity that he brings to most situations. He is a quiet leader that waits to speak until the right time. He leads us mostly with his example: hard work, diligence, patience.
I love watching him with the kids- he plays with them (something I don't do well). I love hearing the belly laughter of the kids spill downstairs as Matt is on the floor with them, being totally silly. I love hearing the slow, patient words of a book being read to Jesse at night, even though he is tired from a long day and would rather be spending his time relaxing. I love seeing his eyes in Karis and his smile on Silas' lips.
Music has always been a part of our life together. I first met him while he was playing his guitar and singing James Taylor in the stairwell of our freshman dorm. I remember hearing his voice singing a few rows behind in me in chapel. He lets the kids join him now when he practices- letting them take turns strumming the guitar or letting them have at it on the mandolin. And there is always music on when I come down into the kitchen in the morning- he loves to have music in the background of our lives, a soundtrack of the everyday.
So, here's to nine great years- filled with hard and good times but always seasoned with grace. I am excited to see what the next nine brings!

Louder than words

2010-05-12T06:42:00.001-07:00

On the silent, dark street, light was illuminating from a house.

Inside, hands were scrubbing sinks, toilets, floors. The vacuum roared, the dryer tumbled. Hands folded clothes and put them into drawers. Fresh sheets on the bed, fridge and pantry stocked. There was laughter and music and the joy of being together on a dark, rainy night.

There were also reminders, reminders of why they were there. On the dresser, a pink onesie with a yellow duck on it, What to Expect When You are Expecting book on the hearth, a hospital breast pump hurriedly placed on the floor of the family room.

Sometimes when words can't speak into the darkness, hands can.

Growing Pains

2010-05-08T04:54:00.000-07:00

Our little church plant is growing. Not only are we outgrowing our meeting place, but we are growing up spiritually as well. We are learning that God gets things done through suffering, that he purifies and refines through hardship. We are learning to experience joy in the grace and provision of Christ, in all things. It is hard but it is good.

Yesterday, I had the privilege to be one of the first people to see our pastor's newest child, Ori Betts. Just a few hours old, I held this sweet baby girl as friends swapped birth stories with the new mom. It was celebratory and awesome- a family thanking God for His care and blessing.

After I visited K and her new baby, I headed across town to visit my friend M and her husband D. She is 24 weeks pregnant and on bed rest in the hospital after a procedure to close her dilating cervix ended in her water breaking. It has been a week and despite the lack of amniotic fluid, the baby's heartbeat is good and mom is free from infection. Everyday that goes by without a delivery is a blessing. We, as a church family, along with M and D, live one day at a time, praying that God will sustain mom and baby. It has been a hard week for us a church family, as we have walked alongside M and D in their uncertainty, in their suffering. It's harder to find the joy in the fear and the unknown- it's much easier to rejoice when you are holding a healthy bundle of joy in your arms.

As I talked with M yesterday, she shared what God has been teaching her, how he has been refining her. She talked about how it is more the fear of the suffering that is hard, the not believing that she will be able to handle whatever happens. But, as things began to unfold last weekend she found that God provided the exact grace she needed to face the uncertainty of each day. She is learning to trust Him and praise Him for His faithfulness. What a blessing.

As a church we are growing in our faith. We are learning that God's faithfulness and blessing come in ALL things- the lines of "good" and "bad" are becoming blurred. We weep together in the hardship because it is hard to see people you love suffer but we weep also because we see God's goodness more clearly in suffering. We celebrate new life and new eyes of faith, sometimes in the same day. It is hard but it is good- because He is good.

Greener Grass

2010-04-09T05:36:00.000-07:00

We have grass issues. Our grass has been the bane of my husband's existence since we moved into our brand new home three summers ago. The problem started with the builders of our development who strip away all the good top soil in the process of building our home and sell it to make a few extra bucks (or apparently, a lot of extra bucks). That leaves us with nutrient-lacking, rocky, clay-like dirt. In the picture below you can see just how nutrient-lacking our dirt is: the lush green parts of the grass are spots where our dog has peed- in other words, dog urine (which burns good grass) actually adds nutrients to our soil. It's just plain sick.

So, I am still amazed when I walk through our development and see lush, green lawns. In some cases the green almost glows: chemical lawns. On one hand, I can understand the need for some chemical fertilizer (you saw the picture of our lawn), we even used some when we first moved in. But, as we face this spring and begin planning our yard work, we are torn about what to do about our grass. Do we use chemical fertilizer, knowing that it pollutes water and it is probably not safe for our kids and dog to be frolicking in (when we have enough to frolic in)? Unfortunately, the alternate solutions we have looked into are very expensive.

But I am also beginning to realize that our grass problems have root issues as well: heart-root issues. When we decided to move into a suburban development three years ago, we also decided that we didn't want to succumb to the often complacent, cookie-cutter mentality. It is hard. As I have stated before, I have comparison issues and they don't stop with parenting. I walk through our neighbor and covet landscaping, decks, patios, swing sets, and swimming pools. I work diligently to keep the front of the house clear of debris and excessive toys. We try to keep our grass clipped and our flower beds weeded. And so, when I walk up to our house and see our gross grass I worry about having the ugliest grass in our neighborhood (and we do).

I have been convicted about this lately after reading the book Death by Suburb: How to Keep the Suburbs From Killing Your Soul by David Goetz. The premise of the book is that you don't need to flee the suburbs to have a deep, rich and intentional life; you just need to practice certain disciplines so that you don't get sucked into keeping up with and looking like the Jones'. He says, "I think my suburb, as safe and religiously coated as it is, keeps me from Jesus. Or, at least, my suburb (and the religion of the suburbs) obscures the real Jesus. The living patterns of the good life affect me more than I know. Yet the same eviornmental factors that numb me to the things of God also hold out great promise. I don't need to escape the suburbs. I need to find Jesus here" (pg. 5).

So, how does my grass problem show me how to find Jesus? It shows me that my reputation is wrapped up in what my neighbors think of my grass (and ultimately me). But, the gospel frees me from that, doesn't it? When my reputation is in Jesus that frees me and our family to make decisions that might seem crazy to the people around us. So, when we decide not to use chemical fertilizer because we want to be good stewards of God's creation, or place a big, black ugly compost bin and the end of our yard or home school our kids, we are saying that the sum of our existence is deeper than the color of our grass or where our kids go to school.

Goetz puts it this way, "The outward physical world of SUV's and minivans, drearily earth-toned subdivisions, golden retrievers and chocolate labs, and endless Saturday morning games is only one dimension. There's another dimension or two. This much thicker world is a world in which I am alive to God and alive to others, a world in which what I don't yet own defines me. It's a higher existence, a plane where I am not the sum total of my house size, SUV, vacations, kid's report cards- and that which I still need to acquire" (pg. 13).

But, it is true what they say, "The grass is always greener". What I need to continue to remind myself is that I already have everything I need. I am defined not by what I own but what I have received in Christ and what I will someday have in full. And that, I pray, will guide how I live on Sh---- Road, will guide how I see the need of those around me and how I will live intentionally in the midst of it.

{I have learned so much from this book, especially about how to live these convictions out. Hopefully, I will find the time to write about it more. Or you could just pick the book up yourself!}

Baby Boy

2010-04-07T04:32:00.000-07:00

Isn't he a cutie? I thought he looked so big in this picture, which makes me a little sad. He also weaned himself this past week, so I think that makes him look even bigger to me. Sniff, sniff.
It was actually a very natural thing- I thought that I would be more emotional about it but I think the fact that he initiated the process helped. I loved breastfeeding and was glad that I got to experience it for as long as did. It was something that was very important for me to accomplish- and we did!
We are now having fun with bottles (when he is still enough to drink it)- we look at each other and I can see his smile underneath the bottle nipple. I forgot how fun that can be too.

The Rescuer

2010-04-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

I read the story of Noah and the ark to Karis tonight from the Jesus Storybook Bible. Every time I read it I get tears in my eyes but I thought it was especially significant tonight, being the eve of Good Friday. I love how the whole Bible tells the story of our Rescuer.

I thought I would share it with you. I am picking up where Noah is back on dry land after the flood.

"The first thing Noah did was to thank God for rescuing them, just as he had promised.

And the first thing God did was make another promise. 'I won't ever destroy the world again.'

And like a warrior who puts away his bow and arrow at the end of a great battle, God said, 'See, I have hung up my bow in the clouds.'

And there in the clouds-just where the storm meets the sun- was a beautiful bow made of light.

It was a new beginning in God's world.

It wasn't long before everything went wrong again but God wasn't surprised, he knew this would happen.

That's why, before the beginning of time, he had another plan- a better plan. A plan not to destroy the world, but to rescue it- a plan to one day send his own Son, the Rescuer.

God's strong anger against hate and sadness and death would come down once more- but not on his people, or his world. No, God's war bow was not pointing down at his people.

It was pointing up, into the heart of Heaven. "

- Sally Lloyd-Jones

Realization

2010-03-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

I am finding that with each child God blesses us with, He graciously peels back the layers of my stubborn heart. One thing I have learned is that my pride is often huge and God is very small. Because I think I have all the answers, most of the time, I think that I have the capacity to do this parenting thing and do it well. Some days I get by okay and I can crawl into bed with a clear conscience but other nights I lay awake replaying the sins of the day- the angry words, the harsh yelling, the lack of presence.

Yesterday started out well. We had devotions as a family over breakfast; I did a fun nature activity with the kids outside; we read tons of books together. I was engaged, enthusiastic, present. But then the afternoon hit. After Jesse's friend went home he was out of sorts. He was rude to his sister, whiny, ignored me when I told him not to do something, complained about dinner, etc. As the afternoon turned into evening he was pushing my buttons more and I was losing my patience. I said some things I shouldn't have in a manner that I shouldn't have. After the kids went to bed, the guilt set in. What happened? The day started off so well! I was in control, the kids were loved on and I was attentive to them. How did I lose control? Why was Jesse acting the way he was? Didn't I do everything I was supposed to do? Ahhhh. That last question stopped my thoughts in their tracks- didn't I do everything I was supposed to do? In other words, I didn't deserve to have a whiny, selfish child because I held up my end of the deal, why wasn't he holding up his? And then slowly it began to sink in- it is not about me. I am not in control. I am responsible for my actions (good and bad) but I cannot control how my kids will behave, or even how they will turn out. I know this. But my heart is trying to catch up.

As I showered this morning I envisioned the water washing over me like God's grace. I goofed. I forgot. I tried to take the reins again. But, instead of beating myself up about it, I found myself praying. I prayed for my son- that God would change his heart, would bring Jesse to Himself. I realized in that moment that this is what I am called to do. All the wonderfully planned activities will not change the stubborn, selfish heart of my son, only God can. And I know this because I can see Him changing mine.

Breathing

2010-03-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

I think that my family is finally, collectively, exhaling. My brother, Andrew, has arrived back in the States after serving our country in Iraq for the past 10ish months.

When he left, I put a flag in the front yard and decided to not take it down until my brother returned. Every time I left the house or went to he bottom of the drive to get the mail I would see it and I would remember Andrew.

But he is home now and so I was finally able to change the flag! Now when I see the new flag I am reminded of God's blessing of protecting Andrew and smile at the thought of him finally in the arms of his wife again. God is good!

Honestly

2010-03-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, so we have all seen them, maybe you even write them- blogs that make you cower in the corner out of guilt. You know what I am talking about- pictures of freshly baked cookies or the greatest craft project with your kids; a detailed summary of how to organize your home and/or the cleaning of your home; detailed heart to hearts with a toddler; all the things you DON'T let your kids do, all the things you do; ways to save money, save time, save the earth. I have come to a point in my life where I just can't read these blogs anymore. Not that these sweet blog writers are doing anything wrong but because I just can't help comparing myself to them.

As you all know, I have been in counseling for a few months. One of the things I have been working through is comparing myself to other people and beating myself up over my failures. I am slowly learning that I have set expectations for myself that are unrealistic for this season of life. For example, the other day in counseling I was beating myself up for not being consistent enough (with a quiet time, discipline, housework, reaching out to others). My counselor asked me, "Is your life consistent right now?" I thought about it, no. I never know when Matt will be home from work, I don't know if I will sleep through the night, I don't know when I will wake up, etc. So, why am I beating myself up for not being consistent when many factors in my life aren't right now (as my friend tells me all the time, "You are in the year of the baby."). My counselor advised me to pick one thing to be consistent with and work at that until I am, then move on to another thing. That I can handle.

And so, you see where my comparing myself to others is not helpful. I would love to make fresh cookies consistently, I would love to be able to instruct my kids every time they disobey, I would love to feel on top of my housework. But that is just not my life right now. I am lucky if the kids have clean clothes and are fed. I pay preschool to do crafts with Karis and I pay someone to clean my house. I also need help to control my emotions and sort through the craziness that is my brain. That's it. And the ironic thing is, that honesty is probably more relate-able for most people than the "pretty" blogs. I hope it is. I hope that I can encourage you in your journey of mothering, mothering honestly. Then maybe we can rise above the muck together.

Cauliflower Hair

2010-02-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

I was walking through the produce section of the food store with Karis today when she suddenly called out, "Mom, I want that white thing!" I looked to what she was pointing to and saw cauliflower, the only white thing on the shelf. "You want cauliflower? Are you sure you like cauliflower?" I asked, quite surprised. "Oh yes Mommy, I LOVE cauliflower!" OK then, this was news to me, but I thought I would indulge her (there are worse things she could ask for).
A little while later we were walking down another aisle and an older woman with white curly hair walked by us. After she had passed, Karis looked at me and said, "Look Mommy, that lady's hair looks like cauliflower!" Why yes, indeed, it did. Out of the mouths of babes!

Psalm 127:3

2010-02-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward."

Sheparding in a new way

2010-02-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

We have been going through a parenting overhaul here in our house the past week or so. I have wanted to share it here to get some feedback but wanted to wait a week or so to see how things played out. I am also a little hesitant because I know that it will probably be controversial to some for various reasons- but I would love to have feedback. Matt and I want to be as biblical as we can be in our parenting while also being sensitive to the needs of our kids- we are still working out that balance but I think that this new approach helps us do that.

I came across a book entitled, "Transforming the Difficult Child- The Nurtured Heart Approach" by Howard Glasser. For obvious reasons the title stood out to me, difficult child......yes, we have one of those! Glasser describes the difficult child as one that has a hard time conforming to traditional parenting, one that is "high intensity", or that has signs of ADHD. He is coming from the premise that these particular children are in a pattern of negativity, which fuels their behavior. For example, when you have a child that has a hard time using energy in constructive or positive ways, what usually results is misbehavior. Or if you have a child that demands a lot of attention, they usually find they get the most attention when they are misbehaving. So, Glasser's approach is to make a big deal out of successes and less on negative behavior. Of course, my gut reaction was unease...this is the complete opposite of what we have implementing with Jesse. But, I knew that what we were doing was not working, so I thought I would give it a fair read. What I found was that there are some very legit points.

One of the first things that struck me was the realization that the very discipline techniques that we were using were actually making Jesse's behavior worse. For example, we do a lot of dialogue about misbehavior after we discipline, we talk about why the discipline occurred, what it means in the context of our relationship and his relationship to God, etc. Glasser pointed out that by excessive talking about the misbehavior you are actually drawing more attention to it and giving the child your time and energy in the context of the misbehavior- so, they will engage in that behavior more.

Another aspect of our parenting was spanking, not a fly off the handle in the heat of the moment thing but in the context of the model laid out in the book, Shepherding a Child's Heart- in a more controlled way. One of the things I was beginning to notice lately was that Jesse had begun grinding his teeth right after the spanking, while I was talking to him. This threw up red flag for me. Also, because o my unstable emotional state lately, I didn't trust myself to spank in a controlled way- so, I had cut back on it, which means that I wasn't really disciplining at all- which was probably contributing to the problem. But, this would be another example of giving attention to negative behaviors, this especially because there is the physical aspect of it. Another way I found I was giving attention to negative behaviors was by my tone of voice- annoyed, frustrated, raised.

The plan that Glasser laid out for getting out of the cycle of negativity is two-fold. First, catch the child doing something right and verbally notice it. Then after awhile start implementing a point system (we use tickets) for expected behavior, following the rules and chores. The points add up to earn privileges (watching TV, playing Wii, an extra treat, a sleepover, etc). For example, they earn five tickets every time they behave in a positive way, follow a rule or do a chore. They can then redeem the tickets for watching a half hour of TV for 10 tickets. Something bigger, like a sleepover, would be 100 points. So there is an aspect of learning to save and wait for things. There are no toys or material items involved, just privileges, anything other than eating, sleeping and being fed!!

The second aspect dealt with consequences for misbehavior, wrong attitudes or disobeying, the first itme (no arguing, giving multiple chances, etc). Glasser suggested that a time out works best because it gives the child a time to control himself. Picking a spot that is not remote from the family but is not in the middle of everything and having them be short but silent. If we have to physically take Jesse to time out we charge him an "escort" fee of 10 tickets. If he still resists, we are to do a safe hold, which is explained in the book.

Within a day or two of implementing the plan, we saw great results. To our surprise, Jesse cooperated with the time outs, we only had to take him twice, now he goes without a fight at all. It really does help im calm himself down, something he needed to learn how to do. He has also brightened under the positive feedback. I will admit it was hard for me to give out the tickets at first- I wrestled with whether we should be rewarding him for things he should be doing anyway. But, the reward (or ticket) system is also helpful for me- it helps me to think more positively and holds me accountable to noticing it. Jesse's teeth grinding has stopped completely and some of his anxiety has too- he has even gone into the basement by himself a few times- something he wouldn't do before. I feel like the cloud of negativity has lifted from the household as well.

We have still been wrestling with the theological aspects- we want to make sure that even though this may work, that it is still biblical- we have come to some conclusions about that but that is a whole other post! What we do know is that we have a child that wasn't responding to traditional discipline techniques and may have some special considerations to take into account (anxiety, possible ADHD). We really needed to listen and pay attention to the needs of our child. We still implement some of the heart probing aspects of Shepherding a Child's Heart and use it's basic premise as the backbone.

So, you can give me some feedback, let me know what you think. I'll keep you updated with how things go!

Controversy

2010-02-17T04:27:00.000-08:00

Everyone loves a good controversy, right? I knew that this would stir the pot a bit because parenting seems to be such a hot topic.

For me, it seemed controversial because I know many people believe (as I did) that using the rod in the form of spanking is the only Biblical way to parent. Now, I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater- I think Tedd Tripp has a lot of wise and biblical counsel for parents. I think that addressing issues of the heart while disciplining is so important and leaves room for the child to know and learn the gospel- and eventually, to apply it to their lives on their own. For Matt and I it made sense for the past few years that the rod is the best tool for getting to the heart and it seemed like the Bible had a lot of support for it. Also, we knew many wise and Godly families who implemented the same method and we saw the fruit of it in their families. I am not saying that spanking is wrong or unbiblical. What I am starting to have a problem with is the notion that it is the ONLY way to parent biblically. Obviously, this has been what I have been considering since it was becoming clear that one of our children was not responding to that approach. All of a sudden phrases like, "God has commanded the use of the rod in discipline and correction of children. He has told you that their are needs within your children that require the use of the rod. If you are going to rescue your children from death, if you are going to root out the folly that is bound up in their hearts, if you are going to impart wisdom, you must use the rod" (Tripp, 108) make me question a lot of things: Am I in disobedience to God now that I am not spanking Jesse? Can I not rescue my children from death, root out folly or impart wisdom without the use of the rod? Does this mean that Christian parents that don't use the rod will have kids that don't know and understand the sin in their hearts and their need for Jesus (that excludes A LOT of parents)? I have been doing a lot of investigating on this the past few weeks and I now have questions as to the interpretation of the rod in scripture in general (that may be a whole other post!).

Another area where I have done a lot of processing on is the idea of rewards for good behavior. I have always thought that kids shouldn't be rewarded for behavior that is expected of them. But, I was noticing in my own parenting that there was so much emphasis on the sin, the misbehaviors- I truly think Jesse thought that he could not do anything right. On some theological levels he is right, he can't and we try to encourage him to do good through the help of the Holy Spirit but on another level, he is a child and we need to train him how to do good. What I like about the reward system we are using is that he is not rewarded with toys or money or material objects but with a ticket that represents a tangible sign of the blessings that come when you obey. I have told Jesse and Karis both that God tells us to obey Mom and Dad so that it may go well with you. We have discussed the circle of blessing that they are in when they obey and the danger they are in when they don't. But, I think for kids this can be so abstract, sometimes having a tangible understanding of blessing can be helpful. And I have seen it help Jesse. But, as I mentioned before, it has also helped me. When we first started the tickets I found it so hard to give them out and I wondered why it was so hard for me to shower blessing on my son- what was I so afraid of? I began to see that while he may be more difficult than most kids, he does do some things that are good and by pointing those moments out, it was helping him see the blessing of it. And, something that surprised me was that the kids started obeying and doing things without mention of the tickets- it is usually me that has to remind them of their tickets. It is my hope that we can phase out of the tickets in the future and that they will do good out of a desire to obey God but I think for now it is helping us demonstrate that.

But another part of the controversy for me is that this whole switch has really turned things upside down for me and has made me think about things on a whole new level. One thing I am realizing is that I have used a particular parenting method as a way to ensure that my kids will turn out right. When that method changed I realized how deep my fear is that my kids will not turn out right, that they will not love the Lord, that they may become drug addicts or haters of good. That means that I have been parenting out of fear and trying to make my kids fit into a model so that I felt secure. Jesse has helped me to see that parenting is not a one size fits all model. I am realizing that my job as a parent is to "train a child up in the way he should go" and that training can take on different forms. I also need to be faithful to what God has called me too and not get focused on the outcome. Christianity Today has a great article about this that really spoke me, check it out if you get a chance.

Confessions of a Grumbler

2010-02-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

One verse we have memorized around here is Phil 2:14- "Do everything without grumbling or questioning...", we usually use it in context of the kids complaining about things. But yesterday I realized that I, too, grumble a lot. The difference between my grumbling and the grumbling of the kids is that they do it out loud (emphasis on loud!) and sometimes with bodily manifestations. But as for me, I grumble in my heart, so it is not as easy to notice. Until yesterday.
The snow was falling without stop and it was becoming increasing clear that I would be stuck in the house with two restless preschoolers and a teething baby- the thought did not thrill me. Adding insult to injury was the numerous facebook posts celebrating snowdays with husbands who were kept home due to the snow. Enter grumbling wife and mother. Here's a look into my heart for a second (only a second because longer than that would not be good): "It's not fair, why can't my husband be home when it snows. I should have married a teacher. Why do people have to get sick, do they really have to go to the hospital, really? I hate playing in the snow, if Matt was home he could take the kids outside and they could get rid of some of this energy." I'll stop there (sounds a lot like a preschooler, doesn't it?). The irony (or maybe the God heart-working) was that a fellow doctor helped Matt out in the hospital so he could come home, at 1:00!! God is gracious, isn't he?
Matt swooped in, changed out of his shirt and tie, did a sink full of dishes, held a teething baby, played in the snow with Jesse and started a load of laundry. Not only that, we were able to hang out together. I was very grateful for the help and the company but my heart was still grumbling. While I was making dinner, Matt offered to do a math lesson with Jesse, who was very excited to have a new "teacher" for a change. So, Matt held Silas while he helped Jesse through his math lesson and I cooked dinner. It was great to be be able to share this with Matt, to see his face light up when Jesse completed a math problem. But underneath this gratitude lay my grumbling spirit: "Sure, if Matt were home more, I could homeschool. Most of the homeschoolers I know have a husband involved (or at least home for dinner every night). Why did I have to give up what I want to do?" And this, I think is the heart of the matter. I have been grumbling in my heart for awhile now about this and have just not acknowledged it. I have been bitter and resentful that my husband has a job that keeps him away from home a lot and me alone here to keep the house running and the kids fed (both physically and emotionally).
As I realized this I also began to think about my husband. This great gift. My husband is doing what he feels God has called him to. He doesn't want to just go to work and punch a time card, he wants to work unto the Lord, he wants to care for people, well. When we were choosing where he would work after residency, we agonized over the decision. We knew that working at this practice would mean he would be working a lot but it was the only practice where he could practice medicine the way he felt called to. And he is great at what he does- he takes his time with his patients (something that is hard to find in a doc these days) and they LOVE him for it. The nurses he works with love him because he is kind and not demanding. His fellow doctors love working with him because he is a hard worker and doesn't complain. If you know Matt at all, you are smiling now because you know this about him! And these are all the things I love about him.
So, why am I complaining? Because I am selfish. I have put myself on the throne and have lost perspective. God is doing a work in me. This homeschooling debacle has been teaching me a lot. I have had to do a lot of letting go, of my hopes and dreams, but maybe they were just my perceived hopes and dreams, maybe God has something better in store for our family. In fact, I KNOW he does. So, I am praying that God will continue to work in me, to change my heart of stone to a heart of flesh. That he would give me a clear calling and that I would be inspired by my husband to work diligently unto the Lord. Would you pray that with me?
Today, I repent and rest in God's grace. I wait on Him.

Still here

2010-01-18T06:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am still here. Barely. It has been an overwhelming few months. I have sat down to write a few times but was not quite sure where to start, so here it goes. I am just plunging in!

Leading up to the holidays there were several things going on- one, I started going to counseling to deal with some depression/anxiety issues. This has been such an enriching experience but also hard- when you are a "stuffer" like I am it takes alot of energy to deal with all those stuffed thoughts and emotions (and energy is not something I have alot of these days!). But, I feel like I have been given some great tools to deal with some of those issues and I am in the process of learning how to apply them.
The second thing that was going on was a growing frustration with Jesse. We were having struggles with homeschool, specifically sitting still and focusing. He was having no trouble learning the things I was teaching him, it was just taking obnoxious amounts of time for him to complete work that he clearly knew how to do. I had to cut out some of the "fun" parts just so we would have time to get math and reading done and have everyone still in one piece. It was exhausting for me and stressful for Jesse. He has also been exhibiting some anxiety symptoms as well- grinding his teeth during the day, having a hard time getting to sleep, not wanting to engage in activities he normally loves. He has been hyperactive, uncontrollable sometimes, like he just can't contain all the energy. I wasn't sure if this was normal five year old behavior or if we had some ADHD things going on- so, we got him into counseling too.
So, where are we now? Jesse's counselor is also a school psychologist so she was able to give him a ADHD screening (not an official "test" but a comparison study to other kids his age). The results came back "clinically significant"- not a diagnosis, just a place for us to see where he compares. She gave me some tools that are used in schools to help ADHD kids with their work and behavior. She thought that maybe being in a school setting would be helpful for him because of the structure that it would provide. Also, a school setting wouldn't have alot of the distractions that a home setting has. This has been very difficult for me to process. I don't want to give up homeschooling but I do want to do what is best for Jesse- I am just not sure what that is. I am not 100% convinced that sticking him in a traditional classroom is going to be beneficial for him. I am not 100% sure that homeschooling will be either- at least as we are doing it now. So, I am doing alot of reading about homeschooling the ADHD child and praying about what the best thing is for next year. I don't think that we will get him officially tested (unless he does end up gong to school) but will treat the symptoms that he has so that he can be successful. I am not sure a label will help anything at the moment.
The other aspect that we are praying through is how best to discipline Jesse. We are becoming increasingly aware that the traditional forms of discipline that we have been using are not working with Jesse and could actually be causing some of the anxiety. So, we are re-evaluating and I think I have found a very helpful book- we just need to evaluate whether it fits our Biblical principles of raising children- a future blog post on this for feedback will be forthcoming!
Well, I am out of time- I will keep you faithful readers updated, at least I will try!